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MovieGirlLogliner
Dying single father on the run from his criminal past must come to grips with series of choices that led him to commit murder in order to procure a new suitable home for his young son with special needs.
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Without a fully developed script a logline is also a helpful structuring and concept testing tool.
If the goal is to get a suitable home for his son, the inciting incident should be his son being kicked out or losing his home, otherwise the question is raised – why now?
The dying of cancer “ticking time bomb” is a good addition, but is it necessary to the story and therefore logline? I think not.
After his Autistic son is forced out on the streets, a convict must escape prison and buy a house for his son to live in before he is caught and put back behind bars for life.
Even though the emotional core of your story?may be?an internal struggle, for the purpose of a logline and dramatic structure, it ought to be framed within the context of an external struggle towards an objective goal.? Or as you said, use the external plot as a vehicle to explore the internal story.
I think you have a compelling “vehicle”?for that purpose.? His external struggle distilled to its essence seems to be:? A convict with terminal cancer escapes from prison in order to find a suitable?home for his special-needs son before he dies of cancer.? (23 words)
Pack as much psychological baggage as you wish into the vehicle of that plot in the script.? But for the purpose of the logline, focus on the external struggle.? Which, in any event, imho, contains the hook — the most interesting?and unique?element of your story.
What’s so? unique and different about a story about a person who has to come to grips with his past?? Stories like that are a dime a dozen.
But a convict dying of cancer who escapes from prison to secure a life for his special-needs son — now that’s different.???That’s a hook, that’s the?sizzle in the steak of your story.??A logline is a?marketing tool; it should be used to sell the?sizzle — not the steak.???The sizzle is what is going to attract producers, actors?and the money-men to the script.
And finally,?I suggest it ?would?strengthen?the logline to be more specific about the “special needs”.? Is it a cognitive disability, a physical handicap (like cerebral palsy)?
fwiw
It really is about his inner struggle to avoid becoming a criminal, fate he perceives he is destined for. Finding home for his sons is just a vehicle through which events unravel. I am having a hard time verbalizing that as there is no clear antagonist, although there is one at every choice he makes in the story. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
It seems as though the main goal of the story is to find a good home for his son. I would concentrate on that goal for the purpose of your logline.
I would drop the line, “on the run from his criminal past.” way too vague. He should be on the run from a specific person.
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“When he’s diagnosed with cancer, a terminally ill convict escapes from prison, determined to secure his special needs son a good home before a ruthless marshal with a grudge catches him and locks him back up.”
I suggest you be more specific about his inner goal: “must come to grips with series of choices”.? Also, it’s hard to tell whether the murder occurs in the movie or whether that is the ‘criminal past’ being referred to.
You also might want to considered shortening ‘procure a new suitable home for his young son with special needs’ to something shorter like “get a good home for his disabled son.” If disabled is not the right term, then I suggest you use a term that is more specific than ‘special needs’.