Revised: After her children are taken, on account of her mental illness, a holier-than-though mother must reclaim them, by undergoing a life-threatening VR therapy: defeating embodiments of her demons in simulated combat.
JessieSamurai
Revised: After her children are taken, on account of her mental illness, a holier-than-though mother must reclaim them, by undergoing a life-threatening VR therapy: defeating embodiments of her demons in simulated combat.
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“When she loses custody of her children, a desperate mother joins an experimental?virtual reality treatment for her mental condition, in the hopes of a cure and getting her kids back.”
You need to decide what is the better goal, getting the kids back or curing herself. Richiev’s version, in my mind, is stronger as it gives her a clear objective goal we can see her achieve without the need for exposition.
Her kids being taken away from her is a very powerful image and one that would clearly motivate her, a positive diagnosis less so.
Does this look iffy on a clear incident? Trying to bake the midpoint turn into it, but I?m finding it tricky.
?When a holier-than-though mother of two, secretly commences a risky virtual-reality treatment, upon discovering her rare mental illness, she must enter life-or-death combat against simulations of her inner demons, once found out, while fighting a deadline custody battle in the real world.?
After her children are taken, on account of her mental illness, a holier-than-though mother must reclaim them by undergoing a life-threatening VR therapy: defeating embodiments of her demons.
>>>on account of her mental illness, a holier-than-though mother
What dramatic purpose is served by her being “holier-than-thou”?? She’s already mentally ill.? Isn’t that enough?