Falling Down
Presario2200Logliner
Following a botched circumcision while defending a drug-addicted prostitute accused of murder after years of abuse at the hands of her alcoholic mother and stepfather… Wan Hung Lo goes on a quest to find the doctor who did it to him.
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This logline is confusing.
“Following a botched circumcision while defending a drug-addicted prostitute…”
Not sure how defending a prostitute and the botched circumcision correlate to one another? What does one have to do with the other?
Wan Hung Lo was getting an operation while on protection detail in Hong Kong. The doctor messed up the operation which left our hero impotent.
You’ve got too much going on, but I can sense this is a comedy. Condense.
Why does the Chinese man need to be circumcised?
Well, I actually have not gotten that far yet. Either he wants to convert to Judaism or his parents decided to keep him uncut when he was born.
How do I circumcise this log line?
The connection between the circumcision and the murder trial is not immediately apparent to the reader, so one or both of them feels superfluous.
Too many words spent talking about the prostitute who appears to be, at best, a secondary character?
Does the murder trial factor into the greater story or is that how it begins?
So your set up is a botched circumcision, and his quest is to find the doctor that did it? That shouldn’t be too hard, right? He was already a fully grown man when he was getting it done? (At least, he had been through law school and was a practicing lawyer at the time). What makes this man hard to find? Also, WHY does he need to find the doctor? The stakes seem incredibly low, as does the conflict, so you’d have a hard time selling the idea at this stage.
Finally … what is the plan once he finds him?
The connection between the circumcision and the murder trial is not immediately apparent to the reader, [Actually, Wan Hung Lo is her protection detail.] so one or both of them feels superfluous.
Too many words spent talking about the prostitute who appears to be, at best, a secondary character.
Does the murder trial factor into the greater story [No, it is what they call a “B” story; a sub plot if you will.] or is that how it begins?
Therefore, your set up is a botched circumcision, and his quest is to find the doctor that did it? [Yes. After all, if that happened to you, would you not go after the doctor who made you impotent?]
That should not be too hard, right? [Not when you are impotent.]
Was he already a fully-grown man when he was getting it done? (At least, he had been through law school and was a practicing lawyer at the time). [Protection detail, not lawyer.]
What makes this man hard to find? [If you knew that you screwed up on a patient with an axe to grind, you would hide as well.]
In addition, WHY does he need to find the doctor? [Simple, either the doctor fixes Wan or Wan fixes? the doctor.]
The stakes seem incredibly low, as does the conflict, so you would have a hard time selling the idea at this stage.
Finally, what is the plan once he finds him? [See above.]
In certain cultures, circumcision is common at prescribed times according to traditional religious rituals (Judaism and Islam). But AFAIK it’s rare in China. So the question remains: why would the main character even think of getting circumcised?