Penpusher
Posted: 2016-11-29T01:19:10+10:00 In:

From a mostly-automated solar farm orbiting Earth, a programmer with survivalist inclinations once ridiculed by those closest to him strives from afar to save his ex-wife wife and young son from the sudden outbreak of nuclear war.

From a mostly-automated solar farm orbiting Earth, a programmer with survivalist inclinations once ridiculed by those closest to him strives from afar to save his ex-wife wife and young son from the sudden outbreak of nuclear war.
Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    6 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      You buried the lead: Start with the Nuclear War 🙂

      • 0
    2. Uberwriter

      But what exactly can the kid do? Unless he some kind of amazing hacker or programmer, it’s not like the government is just going to give him access to the nukes to stop a threat they that they probably perceive as just a prank, plus he’s the son of a joke programmer? ?And then, what’s the point? It would be harder, and more interesting for the father in space to have to find a way to do whatever it is. And going along with that, if the son on the ground is the protagonist, what’s the point of it even being sci-fi? This solar farm is supposed to be the advanced technology, but if most of the action is on regular old Earth anyway what’s the point?
      Personally, I just don’t see much justification for making the teenager the protagonist. A stronger argument could be made for the mother, but only because it would be plausible for her to have government job having access, and thus being able to work.
      Personally, if it were me I would probably make it co-protagonists, a buddy type film with the ex-wife and husband having to work through their differences to work together, one on Earth, the other on the solar farm, each having a specific task that depends on the other.

      • 0
    3. Penpusher

      Thanks for the feedback. I like the idea especially of the hero instead being a?teenage son who, with help from his father, guides himself and mother to safety.

      • 0
    4. Singularity

      Good comments above.

      I’ll add that the logline is too long and describes story elements of less relevance to the plot than ideal. For example, you could cut the description of him being ridiculed from the logline with little impact on the plot – it’s backstory.

      It would be best to specify his goal. Currently he’s trying to save three people; wife, ex wife and son, but what about his mother, brother, best friend or next door neighbor? Are they not souls worthy of his efforts?
      Point is, either specify a particular person of interest i.e a stakes character, or make him a hero on a grander scale and have him save his community at large or better yet humanity – he must stop the war!

      • 0
    5. Uberwriter

      “From a mostly-automated solar farm orbiting Earth, a programmer with survivalist inclinations once ridiculed by those closest to him strives from afar to save his ex-wife wife and young son from the sudden outbreak of nuclear war.”

      What exactly is he doing? “Strives from afar” is not a specific action. What does “survivalist inclinations” mean? Most people have the inclination to survive. I think, for the purpose of the logline, “autonomous” is sufficient rather than saying the vaguer “mostly-automated”. Try finding a one-word descriptor to replace “once ridiculed by those closest to him”. Saying ‘mocked’ or even just ‘ridiculed’ by itself should be enough.
      Perhaps you should re frame the logline to use “sudden outbreak of nuclear war”, which, by the way, you should try to describe better, as the inciting incident.

      Here’s my try:?When he discovers plans to cause a nuclear war, a ridiculed programmer must create a program to stop the missiles to save his young son and his mother.?(29)

      To me, the fact that he’s in space is the obstacle, not rendering him to a mentor role. He most likely has more limited resources than he would on Earth so it means he has to work harder.

      • 0
    6. Singularity

      Unless your story gets him back down to earth in early Act 2 to locate and rescue his family, ?he seems to be trapped in outer space in the role of a mentor/adviser. ?In that case, the more interesting challenge and story would seem to be how his family follows his survivalist tips transmited from outer space.

      So it seems the real protagonist would be either his wife or his child who must come of age at hyper-speed and acquire survival skills.?(After all the real focal point of dramatic tension is not on the person who knows what to do, but on the one who has to do it in spite of all adversities and anxieties.)

      Consequently, if he’s trapped in outer space for the bulk of the story, then it seems to me that the story ought to be framed from the point of view of a family member on earth, the one pivotal to following his helpful hints.?

      (BTW: Making the son a a teenage protagonist would certainly broaden the market for the film. The young adult audience is the sweet spot.)

      fwiw.

      • 0