Penpusher
Posted: 2016-05-20T10:59:09+10:00 In:

Haunted by the tragic loss of his estranged father, a young Samoan-American must choose between his corporate job or follow in his late father?s footsteps as the last in a long line of fire-knife dancers.

Haunted by the tragic loss of his estranged father, a young Samoan-American must choose between his corporate job or follow in his late father?s footsteps as the last in a long line of fire-knife dancers.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity

      His decision would make for a great act 1 climax.
      Best to plan on shifting the decision earlier in the story and let the resulting action play out as the bulk of the film.

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    2. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Oh. ?Thanks for the clarification.

      I still think that the struggle after he makes his decision would make for a more interesting story than just the struggle to make the decision. ?For me, the short has the felt sense of a quickie. ?It teases, arouses and then ends without a satisfying climax to the foreplay of the premise — dramatic interruptus. ?Just when the story gets interesting — it ends.

      FWIW. But other’s mileage may vary. ?And it’s your story.

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    3. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Does it take the length of a feature film — 2 hrs. — for him to make his choice? ?Or is the film about what happens after he makes his choice? ?What is the story really about? ?A man who can’t make up his mind? ?Or about ?a man returning to his roots, embracing a heritage he forsook for the fools gold glitter of a corporate career?

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    4. Best Answer
      Singularity

      1: I don’t believe you need the words?tragic or estranged, they actually take away from the logline.

      “Haunted by the loss of his father…”

      2: Take out the word young?and give us a better adjective

      Haunted by the loss of his father, an upwardly mobile Samoan-American….

      3: Finally, I don’t believe you should tell us he must choose but let us figure it out by setting up the conflict within the logline.

      (However this means giving us a ‘bad guy’ or a ticking clock.)

      —–
      “Haunted by the loss of his father, an upwardly mobile Samoan-American defies his boss on the eve of a corporate merger and returns to his homeland where he becomes fascinated with his family heritage of fire dancing”

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    5. Best Answer
      Singularity

      To choose is not to take action, and what will make this interesting is the actions he takes as a result of the choice he makes.

      Also best to re structure the concept so that the father’s death motivates the main character, in other words use the father’s passing as the inciting incident.

      After his father dies a Samoan-American…

      I would also recommend to strengthen the bond between the father and son – instead of estranged make him beloved.

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