In order to restore her liberty following a discriminatory arrest, a high-end and vivacious, yet substance reliant, escort, must withstand the emotional provocation she’s subjected to during 24-hours locked-down with the parasitic anti-social she’s celling with.
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The logline has one major fundamental problem which I simply can’t find a solution for – the MC can’t do anything except wait in order to achieve her main goal – this isn’t very cinematic (if at all…).
After reading your logline, and getting rid of the clutter, I believe your logline needs that one extra thing.
You say, she ‘must withstand‘? but that’s a passive action. Lead characters are pro-active, they have a plan of actions.
How does your lead character cope with her anti-social cellmate? What is her plan?
For instance, does she lie and pretend to be a big-time criminal?
Does she act crazy?
Does she pick a fight with the toughest prisoner to show she is serious?
What’s your lead characters plan of action?
I am going to try to reduce the word count to see what we have:
———————————————————-
“When an addicted high-end escort is arrested, she is incarcerated with an anti-social cellmate.”
Also, aren’t we not supposed to post the same logline more than once? Aren’t we supposed to add the new version to the first post, so people can follow and so the site doesn’t get clogged?
I don’t see how enduring (so passive!) a sociopath and “restoring her liberty” (what a weird way of saying “get out of jail”!) are connected in any way. You said IN ORDER TO restore her liberty, SHE MUST withstand the emotional provocation for 24 hours. That makes no sense. There are several ways to get out of jail, and making it through a day with a sociopath is not on that list. It seems like enduring the sociopath is just a speedbump on the way to getting out of jail, because getting out of jail involves several ACTIONS. The sociopath is just flavor to the day. It almost sounds like comedic relief, to be honest. A high priced whore trying to get bail or whatever while a creepy dude lurks, but it’s not the same kind of creepy she’s used to, and he creeps other people out too, it sounds hilarious. But continuing to exist for 24 hours is NOT?a movie goal!
>>> substance reliant
IOW: she’s a drug addict.? So just say so.? Don’t obfuscate.
>>> high-end… escort
IOW: she’s a high-price prostitute.? Again, just say so.? Don’t obfuscate.
>>anti-social
Better: sociopath
>>celling
Better: in jail with
>>must withstand the emotional provocation.
This places her in the role of a passive victim with the sociopath in the driver’s seat of the plot.? But a protagonist must be proactive, the character who is driving the plot.
Finally, enduring emotional abuse is a complication, but it is not the solution to her primary dramatic problem, her need to win her freedom.? ? Further the logline overlooks a greater aggravating factor of her incarceration than being locked up with a sociopath: the emotional turmoil of withdrawal symptoms because she can’t obtain her next fix.
Anyway, for her to win her freedom:
1] Someone outside must post her bail.
2] Or the investigating detective must drop charges.
3] Or a lawyer must successfully defend her if charges aren’t dropped and her case goes to trial.
In all 3 scenarios, winning her freedom is contingent on the actions of others. She’s not in the driver’s seat of the plot.? She’s merely a passenger in the plot.?The logline needs to be framed with the protagonist? as a proactive character, the character in the driver’s seat of the plot.
Finally, what’s your point in constructing this scenario?? Through all the iterations of your story idea, what is the common denominator, the theme you wish to dramatize?? What’s the subtext, the reason why you want to put her through this ordeal?
fwiw
I’m going to break this down in to the inciting incident, the characters, the goal and the stakes.
Inciting incident / This needs to be something that relates to the plot somehow. Why was she arrested? In what way is she discriminated against? Whatever discrimination (gender, profession, addictions) needs to feature in your screenplay otherwise what’s the point of mentioning it? Currently it feels like this is just a convenient way to get her into a cell. If you want the film to be about her spending 24 hours stuck with a parasitic anti-social why does she have to be arrested? Isn’t there a better way to get her alone with the anti-social. The police don’t seem to feature at all with the rest of the plot so, despite them appearing to be the antagonistic force in the inciting incident, they are then ignored.
The characters / I would limit the description of the protagonist to just the key details – 8 words is a lot. Is the fact she’s high-end and vivacious relevant? Does her substance abuse feature at all? Focus on the thing that’s most relevant to the plot. Why is the audience going to care if she’s let out? She’s an escort and a drug addict… some could argue that prison is the best place for her??The parasitic anti-social needs to have a purpose too – why is she provoking the protagonist? What does she stand to gain from it? You need to make it clear why the protagonist, and the audience, wouldn’t want to spend 24 hours with her.
The goal /?In order to gain her freedom she just has to endure a day in a cell with someone emotionally provoking her. Why was she arrested in the first place then? The goal needs to be something she has control over and, if she was arrested, her freedom is not something she can influence. Find a goal that is something she can actively seek. As mentioned by several people in your previous version – 2 hours of just watching two people in a room together is not particularly cinematic. Particularly when no one is acting out of choice merely circumstance.
The stakes / What happens if she doesn’t get her freedom? There’s currently nothing that she’s risking in this logline because all the action is completely out of her control.
Is there a reason why all of this HAS to happen in a prison? As I said in a comment on your previous version, by taking it out of the prison you give the protagonist control again. She can still be arrested, meet the parasitic anti-social but then be let out on bail only to find that her cellmate is stalking her. Your previous version suggested that the cellmate knew more about the protagonist than she should do assuming they’d just met. Is there a reason why this has been dropped? For me, that was the most interesting bit because I wanted to know more.
I would step back from this idea and think about what would look good on screen, what would make the audience root for the protagonist and why, what are the antagonistic forces she’s working against and why are they trying to stop her reaching her goal, and what does she stand to lose if she fails.