HOW ABOUT: A soldier returns home with a desire to become a professional poker player, believing it is a safer lifestyle than fighting a war. So she thought until winning all the serial killer?s money.
SteveLogliner
HOW ABOUT: A soldier returns home with a desire to become a professional poker player, believing it is a safer lifestyle than fighting a war. So she thought until winning all the serial killer?s money.
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Maybe it’s just me but? I find this character not interesting. What is it about her that will make her story compelling? There have been many stories about or involving returning vets, most of them employed high stakes and interesting scenarios, (Rambo, Born on the 4th of July, American Sniper and even John Watson) this one hints at something but is unclear as to what it is.
So what’s at stake in her succeeding or failing as a poker player?
If she succeeds she gets money, if she doesn’t she gets an office job. None of this is really interesting, therefore you’ve now added the serial killer angle. With her life put at risk the stakes go up but without her knowing they would – how does she know she’s playing opposite a serial killer? Even if he or she were to confess it’s a mighty hard thing to simply believe on face value.
Assuming the killer made a few attempts on her life this turns into a survival story between a vet and a serial killer, what’s stopping her from going to the nearest police station?
You’re trying to play on the irony of a person doing something they think will be safer but in actual fact turns out to be more dangerous. That’s a nice additive but is far from a hook, what this story needs is a stakes character. In other words, if there was more at risk than just her life her fight for survival becomes a noble one.
What if she cleaned out a serial killer in a high-stakes illegal poker game with the intention to pay for a medical procedure to save a loved one. This way you give her a goal beyond mere survival and raise the stakes.
“When a former soldier turned poker player wins nearly a million dollars from (unbeknownst to him) a serial killer, he must use his skills to defeat the psycho and protect his family.”
This version is better in that it reveals a little more about what hand the story is playing with. (And I’m interested to see that the main character is a woman.)
But, it still needs to show two ?more cards.
This version does lay down the card ?of the inciting incident “until winning all the serial killer?s money” ?– but ?in the wrong sequence. ?A logline should lead off with the inciting incident. ?But in this logline the inciting incident is buried, placed at the end.
Instead the logline leads off with 23 words ?that may be involved as backstory and prologue in the script proper, but for the purpose of a logline ?most of it is unnecessary. ?The need to know information for the logline is that she is a war vet.
Now the next card to fully show ?is what the serial killer does as a result of losing all his money to her. ?I’m guessing he tries to avenge the loss by killing her and reclaim his winnings. ?But I shouldn’t have to guess. ?That card that sets up her dramatic problem should laid down and turned over, in plain sight in the logline.
And I”m guessing that she must use her military training and experience to fight for her life. But, again, I shouldn’t have to guess. The logline should tell me. ?So lay down and turn over that card– her objective goal and struggle.
I’m guessing you’re holding some high cards in your story hand. The logline is the place to show them, not hide them. ?
Specifically, your logline needs to lay down cards for an interesting character (done), an inciting incident (done), a credible antagonist (done). ?Now show us the cards of 1] what action antagonist ?takes that puts her in mortal jeopardy, and 2] the action she must take to stay alive (objective goal and stakes).
Finally, it might enhance dramatic tension if she has suffered a war injury, a liablity that offsets her military assets. ?For example, could she be an amputee, or suffering from PTSD?
fwiw
“A soldier returns home with a desire to become a professional poker player, believing it is a safer lifestyle than fighting a war. So she thought until winning all the serial killer?s money.”
Most of this is just backstory. The inciting incident is seemingly what happens after the last sentence. What event takes place after the vet wins the serial killer’s money? What does the serial killer do? ?But rather than give vague descriptions you should inform the reader what happens as a result of this vet winning the money. Does the serial killer attempt to kill her? I don’t really have an example because I don’t have a grasp of any direction this story is going.
Just a note, a logline is a tool used to sell the concept to someone with enough money make it into a movie/television show. They don’t want vagueness, they want something that is descriptive but short that gives them an idea of what the story is going to be, what they will be spending money on. Going along with that it is important to have a strong hook. A hiook to a logline reader isn’t mission of information, like it may be for the people who watch it, it is something new and exciting that they think will make a lot of money. An example of a good hook is taking a popular concept and putting a spin on it, such as Edge of Tomorrow, which can be described as ‘Groundhog Day with aliens.’ So what is the hook in your story? What will make a producer want to read this script and consider putting money into it?