Penpusher
Posted: 2015-08-15T10:56:08+10:00 In:

Hunting a dangerous fugitive in 13th century England, a group of mercenaries led by a disgraced knight must brave a surreal frozen hellscape in order to bring their prey to justice.

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    5 Reviews

    1. I think this is pretty solid. It’s pretty clear what the key pieces are, and what is likely to happen.

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    2. Penpusher

      Does the mercenary have any particular advantage in the frozen hellscape? Otherwise it does sound a little unbalanced – 1 fugitive versus a group. The longer the search goes on, mercenaries could die until it’s just the fugitive and the disgraced knight left?

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    3. Singularity

      The logline describes a vague plot and lacks personal stakes therefore it reads slow paced and lack luster.

      The premise could have potential but needs elaborating on some missing story elements. For one what is the inciting incident? When do they set off to catch the fugitive? Why do they set off to catch a fugitive? Fugitive style plots are a bit of a trope now so what will set this apart except from the time period is the personal stakes for the MC. What are the personal stakes? Did the fugitive kill a loved one perhaps?

      Secondly what is the inner demon the knight needs to overcome? Being disgraced means he needs to prove himself to others and get his title back this could be a personal goal but not a flaw. What is his flaw that he needs to overcome before achieving the main plot external goal?

      Lastly best to be specific about a goal describe what “…bring their prey to justice.” actually means kill the fugitive, put him in the dungeon or banish him or her.

      Hope this helps.

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    4. Singularity

      If his subjective need is to redeem himself, restore his reputation, then wouldn’t he have to — want to — do the job himself? If he needs to hire a gang of mercenaries to help him, it seems to me his disgrace was well-earned and he’s disgracing himself again.

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    5. Samurai

      A disgraced former knight in 13th century England seeks to regain his title by tracking a dangerous fugitive before the madman kills again.

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