In With The Old
In a bankrupt city, with jobs on the line, old George and Phil must compete to be the fastest garbage men they've ever been. The young new guys are fast, but are they smart?
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Sorry to be brutal, but you will never sell this unless it’s one of the funniest scripts since The Hangover. To see a Hollywood version of this film I refer to BIN MEN. Save yourself the heartache and move to another project.
I understand the story from the log line but don’t really feel that it is very catchy. I understand the stakes, the protagonists, the antagonists, and their goal but it seems a little flat and I can’t really see where this premise can go.
Is it going to be a comedy? I guess that from them being garbage men as it isn’t a very glamorous job for two old men. If it is I think the logline has to have a little more humour in it as their journey doesn’t sound funny or very intriguing. Why do we want to see two old garbage men putting rubbish in the back of a lorry as fast as they can? Think of different words you can use, could it be that the old guys are struggling from becoming garbage men to refuse collectors? All has to be politically correct in today’s society haha
Hope this helps Alex
I get the humor, but the two (bankrupt city and fast garbage men) don’t really go together. They are competing to be among the fastest to retain their jobs, right? Why they want to retain their jobs is irrelevant to the logline.
Next, you shouldn’t mention character names if they are fiction and non-household names. If you writing story about Einstein, then yes, you’d mention his name. George and Phil, not so much.
Lastly, being fast is one issue, but what’s up with the “smart”? Yes, I get that a more experienced garbage, who knows short-cuts, and routes, and the length of red light signals, etc. might be advantageous, but that is a given and again, shouldn’t be in the logline.
To correct: first start with a time-relative adverbs, like “When”, “As”, “Before”, or “When”. It helps you answer the question.
Next, identify the LOGLINE ELEMENTS?; L (lead), O (obstacle), G(goal), L(what they can lose, or the stakes), I(any irony), N(something “new” or your hook), E(enemy). Once these elements are identified from your story, put them in a comprehensive sentence of thirty words (three lines) or less, and you’ll be off to the races.
Conceptually, I think it’s cool and probably a laugh-a-minute (have thier been stories centered around trash collectors before?)
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge.
The only one that comes to mind, Geno, is 1990’s Men At Work. This is more like Grumpy Old Men At Work, haha. But seriously, I think the setting and characters definitely hint at fun, but as far as story I think Kriss raises some interesting points. It needs to be bigger. Right now it sounds like the best these old guys can hope to achieve is holding on to a job that doesn’t sound all that desirable to begin with. What if the old guys have to find a way to work with their rivals to accomplish something greater?