In a dust chocked world where the rich live in air ships and the poor in muck a dethroned princess and desperate criminal must join forces to stop a megalomaniac from seizing absolute control.
derain2Penpusher
In a dust chocked world where the rich live in air ships and the poor in muck a dethroned princess and desperate criminal must join forces to stop a megalomaniac from seizing absolute control.
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Seems kind of similar to “Elysium”, where a lucky 1% literally live above the unlucky 99%.
The objective goal, such as it is, is cast in a negative framework, to stop a megalomaniac.
So they stop the megalomaniac. ?What about the unlucky 99% ?living in the muck? ?Do they have any stakes in that outcome? ?Or do they remain stuck in the muck?
It seems to me that the objective goal should be framed in positive terms. ?That is, royalty and rogue join forces to overthrow the megalomaniac, and the ruling 1% in order to liberate the 99%. ?
I suggest putting a positive spin in the logline (and script) — it provides a stronger selling point to movie makers, and a stronger reason for movie viewers to watch the film.
fwiw.
Thanks. How about:”In a dust chocked world where the rich live in air ships and the poor in muck a dethroned princess and desperate criminal must join forces too avenge their families and end the tyranny of the overlords.”
When you say, ‘avenge their families’ this sounds like it could be your inciting incident: for instance…
When her family is murdered, a dethroned princess must… (Then tell us what she must do)
Then you should tell us why the ‘criminal’ is special. What skills does he have that will help the dethroned princess.
Hope this helps, good luck with this!
The last draft of the logline lacks an inciting incident and a detailed description of the goal.
Why must the princes and criminal take action now? What event sets them on their path?
Secondly the wording indicates a dual protagonist plot. If so, is there a specific reason for that?
It’s strongly recommended to stay away from multi protagonist plots, so?unless it’s a necessity for the story it may be better to make it about the princes or criminal instead of both.
If only one of them is the main character then best to change the wording, for example:
…a dethroned princes with the help of a criminal must? or …a criminal with the help of a dethroned princes must…
This makes one character seem more like an ally than protagonist.
Last thing,?how will they avenge their families and know that the tyranny is over? Kill the overlords, banish the overlords into the muck? What is the end game?
Hate to choke on a detail but doesn’t muck connotes mud, slime — subtances that are wet? ?So how is all this muck possible in ?a dust-choked (ergo dry, arid) world?