In a last attempt to prove himself, a washed-up detective must unravel the secrets of a small-town to find two missing children.
eeveetrPenpusher
In a last attempt to prove himself, a washed-up detective must unravel the secrets of a small-town to find two missing children.
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Update of my last post
What’s the inciting incident that creates the “last chance”, that compels him to solve the mystery?
And what are the stakes other than his sense of self-worth, his self-respect?? ?That is, what happens to him if he fails to solve the case?
I think what?s happening is that you are mixing up two different formats. You?re pretty close, but a logline benefits from following a very specific structure. Just check back with the formula. Know whee to find it?
What you wrote is more something you?d read in a tv magazine or so. Which is ok for that purpose, but a different thing again.
“When two small-town kids go missing, a washed-up detective…”
Just curious, what’s standing in the detective’s?way? Unraveling secrets is the basic job description of being a detective. Is there a bad guy of any sort? Someone standing in the way of your lead doing his job?
eeveetr:
Richiev, as usual, puts his finger on a critical issue:? Why NOW?
It’s his job to solve cases so why is his self-esteem on the line with this case?? Your comment reveals why.? Well, the “Why NOW?” (the immediate urgency) needs to be at least implicit in the logline.? “Washed-up” is to vague too even imply what his real personal problem is; the term can mean almost anything.
>>>He?s not getting any jobs
So he’s working for himself rather than for a? law enforcement agency?? If so, the more common and informative term is “private eye” or “private detective’.
The correct terminology to describe his occupation is not an insignificant detail because if he’s a private eye it means he doesn’t have (legal) access to all the sources of information that law enforcement agencies have.? Like, for example, all the on-line criminal databases, the? national FBI NCIC database, the AWWS (Automated Wants and Warrants) and criminal history databases of the state in which the story is set.
>>>3. Him not accepting the loss of his child. Through the search for these kids, my main character will, strangely enough, connect and find an understanding of the antagonist.
Is it the case that? the antagonist is also the perp in the disappearance of his kids?? That would enhance the psychological and objective story lines because now it’s not just a job; the stakes for him are personal. IOW:? he must solve the case because the circumstances surrounding the disappearance of his kids? — the m.o. of the villain? — are similar to? the case he gets the tip on from the female officer.? The backstory could be that he may have been trying to solve the case of his kids for? years, but the trail? has gone cold.? Now, he has a break,? fresh clues that allow him to pick up the trail to solving his kid’s disappearance as well.
fwiw
The logline got my interest only after the words “…two missing children…” – the children being taken is the inciting incident, it’s what’s at stake and what forces the MC to take action. The inciting incident needs to be written at the start of the logline, not the end, it defeats its own purpose otherwise.
On another note, a detective solving a crime is just another day on the job, there’s not much about this that sounds original or compelling. The fact that he’s washed up and wants to prove himself makes him selfish not interesting. Can you somehow connect the missing children to him in a personal way (his own children are taken or it’s the same MO of a kidnapper he failed to catch years before and he’s feeling guilty about it)? Or could his motivation be less about proving himself to the town and more about proving himself to his own family?