In a modern European country, a deadly terrorist group carries out an attack, a naive young school dropout must get would-be victims to safety.
BennethLogliner
In a modern European country, a deadly terrorist group carries out an attack, a naive young school dropout must get would-be victims to safety.
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You should personalize the story,
He must get his younger brother to safety
He must get his fiance insulin before she dies.
He must his dying mother to a hospital.
Because right now, the logline is just: In some unknown country, a boy we don’t know, must get some people he doesn’t know, to some unspecific place.
Thanks for your comment.
In my script he is not saving any relative. This is a train terror attack.
My rewrite.
In a modern European country of Norway, a deadly terrorist group carries out an attack, a patriotic naive ?young school dropout must get his countrymen to safety.
You could save some word space by saying, a Norwegian Dropout, that way we know the place and since a drop out would be young there is no need to say young.
When Terrorist attack his city a Norwegian,?dropout must get his countrymen to safety.
This will leave room for a few more specifics.
BTW, why him? What special skill does he have that he is the one that must lead his countrymen to safety.
I find the setup? needs specificity and clarification.?? What are the terrorists attacking?? A train, a bus, an office, a school,? the airport, the subway– what?? And does he happen to be there?? If so,?as Richiev said, what special, if latent, skill does he bring that makes him?a candidate??to become the hero?
Thanks again for your comments.
To give you more details;
This is a story where the protagonist falls in love with a Muslim girl and coverts to Islam because of her. He winds up being used as scapegoat by a terrorist in disguise. The terrorist had been his confidant up to the point when?he sets him up in the train with a bomb.
The protagonist is just a regular Joe with only his courage as his special talent/skill.
He becomes a hero by saving the passengers and a four years old boy. He takes the bomb on himself to save them.
Well there’s your hook right there! Alright! ?Now we are getting somewhere.
“When his Muslim girlfriend set’s him up as the fall guy in terrorist attack, a Norwegian dropout, must stop the plot and save the potential victims which will be killed in his name.”
How does he get setup to carry out an attack? Does he not realise what is in a bag given to him?
The premise raises too many plausibility issues as terrorist are usually heavily brain washed and very clear on what they need to do in order to put other people in harms way.
So, either he is a terrorist (a recent convert or not is irrelevant) and he changes his mind when reality hits him and he sees the people he sets out to hurt, or he is an idiot and has no idea what he is doing. If the latter the audience will likely not empathize with him, but if the former then he has? a clear journey of learning and in my opinion a far more interesting one.
Your original version buries the lead and the hook, the most interesting elements that might make someone want to read the script.? It will certainly be a challenge working out the details to make the story seem credible and plausible, but now ?I think the concept has potential.
Hello, the loglines of your story fail to catch the actual story. I recommend you to start from scratch after reading some good logline tutorials, for exemple:?https://loglines.org/howto/
Thanks guys. By the way Richiev, the protagonist was set up by a terrorist who is his mentor in the faith, not his girlfriend. Actually his girlfriend did not want him to convert. So I am looking at a logline that goes like this:
?When his Muslim Mentor?set?s him up as the fall guy in terrorist attack, a Norwegian dropout, must stop the plot and save the potential victims which will be killed in his name.?
The interesting part about the logline is that he is being set up, however the vague nature of the inciting incident raises too many questions with regards to the “how and why” of the situation.
As the logline lacks detail with regards to the specific events, and actions taken with in them, it seems like another setup story only with slightly more topical subject matter. It’s the particulars of your story and the inner journey of the MC that will help you write a compelling script and make it a must read.
In other words, his mentor sets him up, but how does this happen and why?
Must stop the plot – what plot? Will it happen around a big summit or major event? And what kind of attack?
These are all the details that will make your story unique and therefore interesting.
Thanks Nir Shelter
I have done a rewrite on my logline. Tell me what your guys think.
“When his mentor, a terrorist in disguise set’s him up in a train terror attack, a Norwegian dropout, must evacuate the potential victims which will be killed in his name, before a bomb goes off.”
What about this?
When his mentor set’s him up with a bomb in a train terror attack, a naive young man, while being accused of terrorism must evacuate passengers which will be killed in his name