The Chip
In a secret facility, a headstrong computer scientist developing microchips implanted in the brains of test animals fears that she might be a subject in a similar experiment on humans.
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The exact function of the MC in her work place in this logline adds words that don’t contribute to the readers understanding of the plot. I would change her description to: “a headstrong scientist” and remove: “…developing microchips implanted in the brains of test animals …”.
“…fears that she might be a subject…” is she or isn’t she a subject? In the military as in story one is taught to react to clear and immanent danger not the fear of it. Better to specify the actual danger she is in and forcing her to take action.
Also what is the inciting incident? Why does she now fear she is in an experiment?
Hope this helps.
The exact function of the MC in her work place in this logline adds words that don’t contribute to the readers understanding of the plot. I would change her description to: “a headstrong scientist” and remove: “…developing microchips implanted in the brains of test animals …”.
“…fears that she might be a subject…” is she or isn’t she a subject? In the military as in story one is taught to react to clear and immanent danger not the fear of it. Better to specify the actual danger she is in and forcing her to take action.
Also what is the inciting incident? Why does she now fear she is in an experiment?
Hope this helps.
Also what does she want to achieve. Good scenario, but that is more marketing than story. Think of Alien, “in space no one can hear you scream”. Sets the mood, but know idea about the story.
Also what does she want to achieve. Good scenario, but that is more marketing than story. Think of Alien, “in space no one can hear you scream”. Sets the mood, but know idea about the story.
One of the most important elements of a good logline is irony, or what?s called a hook, and this logline has just that. A scientist whose job is to experiment on her subjects? brains suspects that SHE is the subject of an experiment herself ? that makes for a pretty compelling logline.
What this logline lacks is exactly what Nir and Craig stated: 1) an inciting incident, 2) the danger, or what?s called the stakes, and 3) the protag’s goal. Why is she implanting microcips into animals brains (goal)? What caused her to suspect she?s being experimented on (inciting incident)? And what kind of danger is she in as a result (stakes)?
It’s not quite clear from the logline, but to me this reads as a psychological thriller along the lines of The Conversation” or “The Game,” the throughline of the story being the paranoia that the scientist experiences as she becomes more and more convinced that she?s the subject on an experiment herself.
If that?s the case, you can improve your logline by incorporating an inciting incident, a goal, and the stakes maybe something like this:
After experiencing repeated migraines, a paranoid scientist heading a top-secret mission to take control of animals by implanting microchips into their brains begins to suspect that SHE is the subject of the same experiment.
Cool idea ? good luck with this.
One of the most important elements of a good logline is irony, or what?s called a hook, and this logline has just that. A scientist whose job is to experiment on her subjects? brains suspects that SHE is the subject of an experiment herself ? that makes for a pretty compelling logline.
What this logline lacks is exactly what Nir and Craig stated: 1) an inciting incident, 2) the danger, or what?s called the stakes, and 3) the protag’s goal. Why is she implanting microcips into animals brains (goal)? What caused her to suspect she?s being experimented on (inciting incident)? And what kind of danger is she in as a result (stakes)?
It’s not quite clear from the logline, but to me this reads as a psychological thriller along the lines of The Conversation” or “The Game,” the throughline of the story being the paranoia that the scientist experiences as she becomes more and more convinced that she?s the subject on an experiment herself.
If that?s the case, you can improve your logline by incorporating an inciting incident, a goal, and the stakes maybe something like this:
After experiencing repeated migraines, a paranoid scientist heading a top-secret mission to take control of animals by implanting microchips into their brains begins to suspect that SHE is the subject of the same experiment.
Cool idea ? good luck with this.
Hey all this is extremely helpful! Galgamesh you are exactly right that this is in line with The Conversation, The Game, also Shutter Island.
The inciting incident: She is recruited to replace the lead engineer on the team.
Her goal: She is ambitious. She wants to be known for creating a technology that revolutionizes the human race.
Here is another try:
An ambitious computer-scientist is recruited to lead a team developing revolutionary microchips tested in the brains of animals. But a series of cryptic visions cause her to fear that she is a subject in the experiment.
Hey all this is extremely helpful! Galgamesh you are exactly right that this is in line with The Conversation, The Game, also Shutter Island.
The inciting incident: She is recruited to replace the lead engineer on the team.
Her goal: She is ambitious. She wants to be known for creating a technology that revolutionizes the human race.
Here is another try:
An ambitious computer-scientist is recruited to lead a team developing revolutionary microchips tested in the brains of animals. But a series of cryptic visions cause her to fear that she is a subject in the experiment.
From your reply it sounds like the “…series of cryptic visions…” is the inciting incident not being recruited. The technical reason for this is her being recruited to lead a team didn’t force her to change anything nor was it out of the ordinary presumably she would have been recruited regardless.
But as inciting incidents go a cryptic vision needs context to have the impact an inciting incident needs. A biblical character who sees a vision from a deity would change the course of their lives to pursue answers but a modern day scientist would likely see a psychiatrist. What in the vision was it that made her suddenly take such drastic action? How did the visions tie into a personal aspect of her life?
As for her goal wanting to be known for doing something will make it hard to establish a quantifiable measure for its success. As a result the goal is not visual the reader can’t envisage an obligatory scene. Can you re define her goal more specifically in a way that it could be shot by a camera?
Hope this helps.
From your reply it sounds like the “…series of cryptic visions…” is the inciting incident not being recruited. The technical reason for this is her being recruited to lead a team didn’t force her to change anything nor was it out of the ordinary presumably she would have been recruited regardless.
But as inciting incidents go a cryptic vision needs context to have the impact an inciting incident needs. A biblical character who sees a vision from a deity would change the course of their lives to pursue answers but a modern day scientist would likely see a psychiatrist. What in the vision was it that made her suddenly take such drastic action? How did the visions tie into a personal aspect of her life?
As for her goal wanting to be known for doing something will make it hard to establish a quantifiable measure for its success. As a result the goal is not visual the reader can’t envisage an obligatory scene. Can you re define her goal more specifically in a way that it could be shot by a camera?
Hope this helps.
“After the lead scientist dies, a gifted biomechanic is hired to test mind controlling microchips in animals but when she begins to black out, she fears she might be the actual test subject.”
“After the lead scientist dies, a gifted biomechanic is hired to test mind controlling microchips in animals but when she begins to black out, she fears she might be the actual test subject.”