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In a story where no one is who they seem to be, a young security guard addicted to cocaine finds himself in the midst of a deadly shooting perpetrated by one of his co-workers.
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That’s better, but wordy. What’s a better way to say “a security guard who deals coke”? Coke-dealing guard? Drug-pushing rent-a-cop?
I like the last part, too. I think it works well, actually. It’s intriguing and compelling. If it came across my desk, I’d want to at least check out the writing. If that was bearable, I’d probably read it until I was bored or through to the end. Good job!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
woops, typo.
When a security guard who deals coke out of the grocery store where he works finds himself in the midst of a deadly shooting, he discovers that he isn?t the only one with a double life.
Thanks for the input. Here is another draft.
When a security guard who deals coke out of the grocery store where he finds himself in the midst of a deadly shooting, he discovers that he isn?t the only one with a double life.
I’m digging the story, but I would suggest starting the logline with “When”, “As”, or “After”, then going from there. You’ll eliminate the wasted space taken up by the first eleven words. Obviously, “no one is who they seem to be” is the “hook” of your story, but you should really try to come up with a better (shorter) way of putting it in the logline.
Otherwise, it’s pretty strong.
“When a coke-sniffing guard gets trapped in a shooting perpetrated by his partner, he discovers (blank- obstacle), and that (Blank- stake/results)”
So if your story was that he discovers that all of his co-workers are undercover cops/feds, and that he was used as a “pawn” in a big undercover sting, it might read as:
“When a coke-sniffing guard is trapped in a shooting, he discovers that he is an unlikeliest of pawns in a money-lending store-front created by the CIA.”
I purposely used money-lending store, like a pawnshop, to be ironic to him being used as a “pawn”, but did not want to repeat the same word in a logline. Plus, it’s only 28 words, and you other goal should be 30 or under.
Hope this helps!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge