Lies Told
In a world where a new species of human suffers discrimination and containment, a young and erratic Control Officer for the Registry meets a sadistic yet charming bi-species man and builds a partnership that threatens to expose the lies at the foundation of the organization?s operations.
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Adopted; after reading this logline and I realized you wrote it backwards. In a logline you should tell us what’s threatening the lead character, and what he must do, instead you are telling us what is threatening the Registry. (The bad guys)
Such as:
—–
“When an erratic control officer discovers a conspiracy in the registry, he must escape their assassins if he is to expose the corruption.”
—–
Now in that version, the threat is against the lead character instead of the Registry.
Of course yours will be different depending on how the registry tries to silence your lead character. (Plus mine didn’t mention the future)
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
Thank you for the comment! Once I took a closer look I realized that you are absolutely right, and reevaluated what the story of the show (this is for television) actually is before reworking the logline a bit. How does this version look? Better?
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In a world where a new species of human suffers discrimination and containment, a young and erratic Control Officer for the Registry must play a delicate game of lies and seduction to protect the organization from one of its greatest threats, a sadistic yet charming bi-species crime boss.
—
Is it clear that the relationship between the officer and crime boss is both the story, and that that’s where the threat to the officer lies?
Thank you for your help!
Hmm. Still too long (48 words) and too complicated.
A fundamental challenge for stories in sci-fi and fantasy genres is that the premise consists of ideas and situations that only exist in the imagination of the author, certainly not in the imagination of anyone reading the script or logline. They have no correlates that we can relate to in real space and time. So:
You throw out the premise of “new species of human”.
Okay, I don’t need to know specifics for a logline, I get the general idea.
Then you mix in something about “Control Officer for the Registry”
Now I’m getting confused. What’s a “Control Officer”? What is the “Registry”??
And then you mention the need to “protect the organization”
Now I’m more confused: What organization?? Does it have something to do with the “Registry”?
And then you introduce another species, a “bi-species”. What is a bi-species?
Alas, your logline contains more novel ideals than I can juggle because, again, they only exist in your imagination. So, I’m essentially clueless.
If it’s any consolation, I read somewhere that it took ten years for the Wachowski’s to get “The Matrix” made because nobody could wrap their skulls around the premise.
So welcome to the club, and best wishes with your story. But, at the moment, I just can’t wrap my skull around your logline.
One post-Neanderthal’s opinion.
Okay, I toned down some of the novel bits into more generic equivalents. (The length isn’t actually an issue right now, since I’m writing this for a TV Pilot competition that accepts any logline under 50 words.)
* * *
In a world where supernatural creatures suffer discrimination and containment by the Registry, a young and erratic agent must play a delicate game of lies and seduction with one of the Registry?s greatest threats, a sadistic yet charming half-human crime boss.
* * *
Is this clearer and easier to understand?
Adopted Axiom, this is getting closer to distilling your idea, but at the moment it still concentrates on explaining this fantasy world and its inhabitants.
Maybe try looking at it from your protagonist’s POV- what exactly is his goal, and what happens if he fails?
This is the crux of your story (hopefully), and everything else, fantasy, sci-fi etc. is just trimmings.
Hope this helps.
Adopted Axiom:
What’s your fundamental premise, the hook for the series? Something to do about a time in the not-too-distant future when humans are being genetically engineered?
The humans in this story aren’t being genetically engineered. Rather the “new human species” begins during WWII when the bombing of Hiroshima causes a strain of the rabies virus to mutate. The virus targets humans and is basically just a more aggressive form of rabies. The first few attempts at a cure fail and actually cause the virus to mutate further until permanent changes are made to the DNA code in the patients’ reproductive cells. Which means that the mutations are passed to the offspring. To shorten the rest of the explanation, enough of the criteria is eventually met to qualify the inheritable mutations as a new species of human. (And yes, I have done my research into virus mutations and vaccines and this could actually work, at least up to this point. :D)
Carriers of the mutation are basically human. The differences lay mainly in heightened senses and the ability to shift from human to wolf form.
The new species is called Homo nothos (just nothos for short), which means “false man.”
Early on in the discovery of the inheritable nature of the mutation, it was thought that a cure could be made for those people. A organization was established to protect the carriers, while working to develop a cure. However, no cure is possible and the organization, the Homo Nothos Registry (shortened to the Registry), soon morphed into an Internationally Federated presence that has misinformed the public about the nature of the nothos to assist in keeping the nothos contained and controlled for the Registry’s own purposes. The Registry is not wholly horrible, but like most government forces, it has many dark spots.
The story of Lies Told follows a young Registry officer, Rove, who makes the mistake of forming first a business relationship, and then a romantic one, with a half-human, half-nothos crime boss named Lux. There are of course other characters that have important story lines as well, all of which push the officer toward his end game plot but the focus is on Rove and Lux.
Since this is for television, the genre is more of a procedural crime drama with a heavy dose of fantasy (much like Grimm). Show loglines aren’t as specific as those for film, but instead fairly broad. A classmate at my film school suggested this:
Crime drama meets mythology in this science fiction take on a world gone mad. The Registry struggles to contain a new human species while one of its young agents falls for its most nefarious threat: a charming half-human crime boss.
Which I like (barring the phrase “take on a world gone mad” since the world hasn’t really “gone mad”) especially that second sentence which captures more of the essence of the show. Eventually the Registry would be taken down, but the main story is that of the officer and the crime boss, so that is where the focus of the logline should lay. However, I’m still not sure if it’s enough of a hook.
Thoughts on all of this?
Have you written a pilot script? If so, how many inches of expository dialogue is required to explain this to a viewing audience?
Is the half-human crime boss a nothos?
Suggestion: lose “Registry” in the logline, substitute it with a generic term like “International Organization. Or define it. My mind keeps tripping over it, wanting to know what the heck is a “Registry”? (If you think I’m too damn dense to figure out the obvious , you’re right — and so will most of the people you’re pitching your concept too.)
>>Crime drama meets mythology
What’s the myth the story is playing off?
I’ve watered the logline down to more generic terminology and currently have two different versions:
1) In modern day Chicago, a young federal agent must play a delicate game of lies and seduction with one of his country?s greatest threats, a sadistic yet charming mutant crime boss.
2) Crime drama meets mythology in this science fiction take on a world gone mad. The government struggles to contain a new mutant species while one of its young federal agents falls for its most nefarious threat: a charming half-human crime boss.
The second one is a slightly reworded version of a logline a classmate suggested. The term “mythology” doesn’t really fit, but I haven’t worked out a revision for that, or for the phrase “world gone mad” just yet. I might just remove the first line of number two altogether.
Writing the pilot script is actually the second part of the competition that I’m writing this logline for. And even though I’ll write the pilot whether or not I get to the second part, I haven’t started on it yet. However, the information regarding the particulars of the Registry and the nothos will not come in one large block of exposition. The background information of how the mutations began and all that can wait a bit and possibly be revealed through means other than direct dialog between characters. Certain info will of course be clarified within the pilot–who the Registry is and what they do, and what a nothos is (that they aren’t actually werewolves but rather mutants with werewolf-esque characteristics, and that they are considered a sub-species of human). How I will accomplish that I’m not quite sure, but I’m also not concerned at the moment. Careful exposition is one of the few areas I’m good at. Right now, I’m focused on refining the logline, since that’s the first step in the competition, in selling, and really, in creating.
Is the “half-human” different from the “nothos”
Is the “half-human” male or female?
Yes, being “half-human” is a bit different from being “nothos” because the character is actually half-human, half-nothos, which is probably how it should be phrased in the logline if I decide to stick with that terminology. The character is also male, as is the agent. However, I don’t see any convenient way to include that–or really any need to?
So, the most current logline–based on suggestions from here, and from my college instructor–is:
The government struggles to contain a new mutant species, the Homo nothos (false man), while one of its young federal agents falls for its most nefarious threat: a charming half-human, half-nothos crime boss.
>> The character is also male, as is the agent. However, I don?t see any convenient way to include >>that?or really any need to?
Do you have a running “B” story character? (IOW: what is there in the concept that appeals to women?)
Do you mean is there a female character as a main? The agent’s (Rove’s) partner is female, and a nothos, and her storyline is the development of her identity and the gaining of her freedom from Rove and the Registry. She is a driving force in Rove’s character development and plot as well. One of Rove’s superiors is woman and is a regular “B” story character.
If you’re asking about the stereotypical “appeal to women,” i.e. romance, then the relationship between the agent and the crime boss fulfills that. The topic of love, of all varieties, is present within just about every storyline to some degree. This story is very much character driven. However, while the women in this show may have small arcs that include romance, their storylines don’t revolve around that because the characters are focused on other matters.
Otherwise, I’m not really sure what you mean by your question. Could you explain what your concern is regarding the concept and why you feel it wouldn’t appeal to a female audience?
Until I inquired, in all of your elaborations of your concept, you said zip, nada about female roles or storylines. And yet a concept’s appeal to key demographics (like women) is a primary consideration in getting a green light for a series.
Just saying.
After reading all the threads, I still don’t know what your protagonist wants or what he stands to lose if he fails. Without a SUPER STRONG goal, I can’t see how their arc creates a throughline for a single episode, much less a series.
What does your agent WANT, and who is standing in their way? I get that on the path to whatever they want, they encounter this crime boss and they have some sort of relationship … but that still doesn’t clarify what the plot of the series is.
Ah, I see. You asked about the sci-fi elements and the nothos boss, which is why I never mentioned the female characters. Within the logline not all the main characters can be named and for a concept to appeal to women, there doesn’t have to be a female character in a lead position, or mentioned in the logline. However, since Eliza, the agent’s partner, is a major character, I’ve tried to find a way to possibly include her within the logline because it would be good to give her that consideration.
I’m a bit concerned that it doesn’t quite sound right though.
* * *
As the government struggles to contain a new mutant species, the Homo nothos (false man), one of its young federal agents works to prove himself by playing a charming half-human, half-nothos crime boss in a game of lies and seduction. Meanwhile, his nothos partner pursues her freedom.
I do have difficulty with vagueness, so I appreciate the headsup. Is this one better:
As the government struggles to contain a new mutant species, the Homo nothos (false man), one of its young federal agents works to prove himself by engaging a charming half-human, half-nothos crime boss in a game of lies and seduction. Meanwhile, his nothos partner pursues her freedom.
Sorry to reply twice, but I reworked the logline to include the partner better:
As the government struggles to contain a new mutant species, the Homo nothos (false man), one of its young federal agents works to prove himself by engaging a charming half-human, half-nothos crime boss in a game of lies and seduction, while also sabotaging his nothos partner?s efforts to obtain freedom.
Sorry to reply twice, but I reworked the logline to include the partner better:
As the government struggles to contain a new mutant species, the Homo nothos (false man), one of its young federal agents works to prove himself by engaging a charming half-human, half-nothos crime boss in a game of lies and seduction, while also sabotaging his nothos partner?s efforts to obtain freedom.
How about:
In order to combat a contagion of mutant humans that threaten the survival of the human race, a federal agent must team up with one of their own, a female mutant.
1] It slips in the “B” story.
2] It’s got an ironical twist. The agent must ally with a member of the other side. (How much irony, now much of a twist is there in going up against the charismatic mutant boss?)
You can work in the games of lies and seduction with the willy boss, her ulterior goal of winning her own independence, yada-yada into the pitch.
Well, the species isn’t contagious (since they’re a species and all and not a disease) and all the agents have nothos partners. However, I reworked it with your format in mind. How about:
In order to contain and cure a mutant species, the Homo nothos (false man), that threatens the survival of the human race, a federal agent must partner with one of their own, a female nothos bent on obtaining freedom.
This does at least imply greater stakes, and an obvious “appeal to women,” though it feels misleading since the assumptions will be that one, his partnering with a nothos is unusual, and two, that there’s going to be a love story between them. Since that is the most common theme used to bring in female viewers. And I know that’s what I assume whenever I see a setup like this one. Perhaps it’s just me though?
Also, does it sound like the agent is doing all of this on his own? The containing/combatting/whathaveyou without the backing of an organization, as if he’s some sort of vigilante or renegade agent? Almost like he’s on a personal mission to contain and cure the species, instead of it being his career within the government. Maybe that’s just me too.
Sorry for another double reply, but this one actually identifies a threat that’s more in line with the story, and still indicates that one of the main characters is a female (one with a definite and conflicting mission). It’s a bit awkward still, but this is the better premise for the show:
As the government struggles to contain a mutant species, the Homo nothos (false man), one of its federal agents, along with his nothos partner bent on obtaining her freedom, must infiltrate a rebel force that threatens the future of mankind.
Does the implication that his partner might betray him, and the government, in order to obtain her freedom through helping the rebels come through? Or does the rebel force’s purpose need to be defined better? I feel like it’s not obvious why the rebels are a threat.
So now the agent is a nothos, too?
One homo sapien sapiens opinion:
I like it better where it’s a meet-cute partnership of initially clashing personalities — and species — who, like each other or not, come to depend on each other to stay alive.
And, horror of horrors!, it develops into a winning partnership. And even worse for her ulterior motive –but better for the story line–she wins his respect.
If she is not the designated “romantic interest” then who is? You gotta have one for a series. If you can think of one hit TV series in any genre where the protagonist never has a romantic interest on the side — a “B” story that is not as counterpoint to the “A” story as a Bach fugue– I’d like to know what it is.
The logline doesn’t say that the agent is a nothos. Unless the wording here “As the government struggles to contain a mutant species, the Homo nothos (false man), one of its federal agents” is what is confusing? I guess it does seem like “one of its” refers to the “mutant species” instead of “the government.” I’ll see about rewording that.
I didn’t say that the protagonist won’t have a love interest but that there isn’t any romantic love between the agent and his partner. The designated “romantic interest” is actually the crime boss. Which is one of the reasons why my initial loglines focused on the agent and crime boss.
So to clarify (cause I feel like things are getting a bit jumbled):
The federal agent is human. His name is Rove.
His partner is a nothos. Her name is Eliza.
The crime boss is half-human, half-nothos. His name is Lux.
Rove and Eliza have a strained relationship but do also develop respect for each other. However, this does not stop Eliza from wanting her freedom, nor does it stop Rove from disliking/having issues with, the nothos. Now, I was thinking of that last logline (about the rebels) as them after their relationship has been established. However, that is easy enough to change. So, their partnership can be new, and begins just before they are given the task of infiltrating the rebel force. This offers more conflict, and can create more possibilities in Rove’s backstory, e.g. exploring what happened to his old partner.
Rove and Lux have a business arrangement where they exchange information–Rove offers Lux a heads up about certain government activities, and Lux helps Rove take out other criminals–and they are also lovers. Lux would be very interested in taking down the rebels as well, since they are bad for business, but he also enjoys making life difficult for Rove, so he’d probably play both sides.
The idea of the rebels was a sudden inspiration and can be replaced with something else. However, the relationships between the characters–with the exception of the timing of their meeting/beginning which is mutable–is as stated above.
Perhaps it would be better for the logline to focus more on the development of the partnership of Rove and Eliza, and not on a rebel force since that might complicate matters too much. This logline–
In order to contain and cure a mutant species, the Homo nothos (false man), that threatens the survival of the human race, a federal agent must partner with one of their own, a female nothos bent on obtaining freedom.
–was more general in that way though would need to be reworked a bit still.
I understand that you like the clashing personalities vibe better, but that’s actually what I was attempting to go for in the original logline with Rove and Lux.
Originally, the setup was that Rove and Eliza were already partners for about a year. Their relationship is tense, and she’s beginning to rebel against his authority more and cause trouble, yet, they still work together well at times, which gives Rove hope that she won’t actually run off. Eliza’s biggest issue with Rove is that he’s ignorant and doesn’t understand her kind at all. Their relationship, the building of their mutual respect but the continuation of her pursuit of freedom, was to be the “B” story.
The “A” story was admittedly weak because I didn’t really have a definite stakes in mind when I wrote the first logline. The “A” story is that Rove is tasked with investigating and removing a new threat to the organization responsible for handling all nothos matters (the Registry I mentioned in earlier versions). The threat is Lux. Rather than remove Lux however, Rove ends up fascinated by him and Rove starts an unsanctioned cat-and-mouse game where they sometimes help and sometimes betray each other. They also eventually develop a romantic interest in each other (my thought was this would happen by the end of the first season).
You asked about irony earlier. Honestly, the Rove/Lux relationship is an ironic twist. Especially because Lux’s kind–the half-human half-nothos kind–are meant to be killed without question. They’re considered an abomination. Which is a fact that would be explained quickly in the pilot and means that Rove is putting his career in serious jeopardy.
All that being said, I don’t mind swapping the “A” and “B” story lines around, and having the focus be on Rove and Eliza’s partnership. I would just like to figure out which relationship will get the prime spot so the rest of the premise–the stakes–can be decided, so I can complete the logline.
Any thoughts on all of that? Do you still feel that the Rove/Eliza relationship should go front-and-center?
>>I feel like things are getting a bit jumbled
Yes.
>>The designated romantic interest? is actually the crime boss.
You mean the nothos partner has a romantic interest for the crime boss? Because you say, the boss is male. Or are you going for a gay subtext between the protagonist and the antagonist?
>> I didn?t really have a definite stakes in mind when I wrote the first logline.
Upon reading the 1st iteration of your logline, I imagined the nothos to be more than a loathsome nuisance. I could see them as an invasive, competitive species. Just as we, Homo sapiens, were a competitive species vis-a-vis Homo Neanderthal — and we won the Darwin games.
Ergo, the stakes are the survival of our species.
>>The federal agent is human. His name is Rove.
The crime boss is half-human, half-nothos. His name is Lux.
Rove and Lux have a business arrangement where they exchange information?Rove offers Lux a heads up about certain government activities, and Lux helps Rove take out other criminals?and they are also lovers. <<
So, yes, the agent, Rove, and the crime boss, Lux, both men, are in a romantic relationship.
I've done some more checking into loglines written specifically for television, and they're actually much broader than film loglines in scope, and don't really identify a grand stake–like the extinction of the human race would be–most of the time. Instead they're more of a general setup, with maybe implied stakes and goals.
At any rate, I'm going to continue working on this and may reply tomorrow or so with an updated revision.
Thank you for all of your help!
>> the agent, Rove, and the crime boss, Lux, both men, are in a romantic relationship.
Outed! The major twist in your “B” story.
Since I had to ferret it through multiple postings, I’m guessing you’re apprehensive that it’s a killer concept, in a negative sense. Seems you’ve got a dilemma: drop the card in the logline or drop it in the pitch. Tough call. The times are a-changin’ and I hope production companies and I hope programming execs are open to it. Best wishes.