Tito’s Libido
MichaelHagPenpusher
When their covers are blown on a mission to seduce Yugoslav President Marshal Tito, a nebbish diplomat must smuggle Marilyn Monroe, the US?s biggest movie star and newest spy, out of Yugoslavia before their blunder leads to all-out war.
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Good idea; good title, messy logline.
I feel first and foremost, you need to trim this down. Keep it focused on your protagonist – what is the diplomat’s flaw?
By spending so much time on the setup, the logline becomes unbalanced, and it feels like the protagonist is going to Marilyn; until you assign the action and goal to the logline.
The event always needs to be something that happens TO your protagonist. It can’t be something that he does to set the story in motion – so him botching the mission can’t be it. What CAUSES him to botch the mission?
Perhaps:
When their cover is blown on a mission to (what was the end goal of seducing Tito?), a nebbish diplomat must smuggle Marilyn Monroe, the US’ biggest movie star and newest spy, out of Yugoslavia before their blunder leads to all out war.
I can see Woody Allen and Scarlett Johannsen in the lead roles ….
“until you assign the action and goal to the logline” should read”until you assign the action and goal to the diplomat.”
I see you’ve made the changes I suggested – which is very flattering! My question is now … what would they hope to gain by seducing Tito? This would be the overarching goal, I assume, and likely to be higher stakes than just seducing him?
What nicholasandrewhalls said: What’s the point of seducing Tito? The logline is built on a gimmick: Marilyn Monroe is a pawn in international intrigue. But what’s the game plan?
And what’s in it for Marilyn? Why does the world’s most famous actress need to turn tricks as a whore for the US government?