The Lurking Man
In life Cailean struggled with addiction and hurt the people closest to her, now she comes face to face with Death Incarnate and he shows her the error of her ways and then offers her a second chance at life, but at a terrible price.
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Death offers an addict a second chance at life, but only if she allows him to take her son.
Death offers an addict a second chance at life, but only if she allows him to take her son.
The logline appears to end with what sounds like the inciting incident. Everything else prior to that feels like back story and setup.
I think re structuring the logline would help it describe a compelling story and create intrigue.
My try:
After the angel of Death offers an ex addict a second chance she must choose between her own life and her son’s.
This sounds like an interesting “hook” but it is only act 1 of the film, what happens after she makes her choice?
Also this still doesn’t describe well enough what her actions will be throughout the story. Making a choice is not visual enough for film so she needs to have (as previously mentioned) a goal to pursue? Then, what she will do to achieve this goal, will be the main action she takes during act 2.
Hope this helps.
The logline appears to end with what sounds like the inciting incident. Everything else prior to that feels like back story and setup.
I think re structuring the logline would help it describe a compelling story and create intrigue.
My try:
After the angel of Death offers an ex addict a second chance she must choose between her own life and her son’s.
This sounds like an interesting “hook” but it is only act 1 of the film, what happens after she makes her choice?
Also this still doesn’t describe well enough what her actions will be throughout the story. Making a choice is not visual enough for film so she needs to have (as previously mentioned) a goal to pursue? Then, what she will do to achieve this goal, will be the main action she takes during act 2.
Hope this helps.
In life an addict struggles with addiction and hurt the people closest to her, now she comes face to face with “death” and he offers her a second chance at life for a price: he either takes her or her son.
In life an addict struggles with addiction and hurt the people closest to her, now she comes face to face with “death” and he offers her a second chance at life for a price: he either takes her or her son.
I agree with Craig. Too long and wordy. The entire first line could be replace with “An addict comes face to face with…” The rest is unimportant detail. Meanwhile the “terrible price.” is the most important detail there and you don’t include it?
If it’s some sort of late story twist then it should be part of your logline, you should be able to sell the story without it. If it’s not, then why not tell us? I think that’s your hook right there and not knowing it only makes us frustrated, not curious.
I agree with Craig. Too long and wordy. The entire first line could be replace with “An addict comes face to face with…” The rest is unimportant detail. Meanwhile the “terrible price.” is the most important detail there and you don’t include it?
If it’s some sort of late story twist then it should be part of your logline, you should be able to sell the story without it. If it’s not, then why not tell us? I think that’s your hook right there and not knowing it only makes us frustrated, not curious.
What is her goal? What is at stake? Well written, but doesn’t tell enough story. “Struggled” hints that she is an ex-addict. Plus, you don’t need names.
When an ex-addict dies “death” offers her a second chance…
Don’t leave vague elements, like “a terrible price”.
What is her goal? What is at stake? Well written, but doesn’t tell enough story. “Struggled” hints that she is an ex-addict. Plus, you don’t need names.
When an ex-addict dies “death” offers her a second chance…
Don’t leave vague elements, like “a terrible price”.