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Cameron Pattison
Posted: September 8, 20122012-09-08T17:17:39+10:00 2012-09-08T17:17:39+10:00In: Public

In the distant future, a refugee space craft escapes a war-torn Earth and crash lands on mankind?s second ?salvation? planet killing most and scattering fewer surviving safety pods.Riddled with guilt, the ships pilot sets out to retrieve his survivors to complete the promised journey.

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    1. FreelanceLance
      2012-09-10T14:14:22+10:00Added an answer on September 10, 2012 at 2:14 pm

      I found this logline very confusing. I had to read it a few times to understand what happens, and I still have questions. Main question: What is this “promised journey”? We’re told the craft was escaping one planet, and crashed on another. Was it headed somewhere else? If this is man’s salvation planet, where else is there to go? Or do you just mean they complete the journey to somewhere on planet #2?

      It’s also long, especially the first sentence. Try this ending: …”‘salvation’ planet, with the few survivors in scattered escape pods.”

      It might be better if you can work the hero into the first part of the logline. Rather than the inanimate spaceship escaping, the pilot could be the center of the action. “In the distant future, after successfully escaping war-torn Earth with a spaceship full of refugees, a [adjective–cocky? junkie? aging? cyborg?] pilot crash-lands on mankind’s second planet, with the few survivors scattered widely in escape pods. Riddled with guilt, he sets out…”

      And a few small issues: You don’t need to say “a” war-torn Earth. There’s only one Earth, and saying “a” kind of throws that into question. You can just say “war-torn Earth”. And your possessive “ships” in the second sentence needs an apostrophe.

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