Penpusher
Posted: 2020-06-10T09:25:50+10:00 In:

In the near future a young woman works for a corrupt committee imposing radical parental exams on couples to control population growth.

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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      This might work better from the point of view of a couple who want to have a child more than anything in the world

      Now the couple has to jump through the hoops of this corrupt committee, which stands in the way of them achieving their goal.

      So you would have a lead character (One of the couple) who have a goal which means the world to them, and something standing in their way. (Although you might want to put a face to this committee)

      And best of all the story would be personal because everyone could relate to it.

      I say this because in your logline you have a lead character who has no goal, therefore there is no conflict. and without conflict, there is no story.

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    2. Samurai
      • In 1979 China implemented measures to control their population – so this is not the near future, this is now. Think about this to ensure you have a different more interesting timeline in your near future.
      • If you peruse the annual The Black List loglines “young” is prevalent, but please state a trait for this young woman to give me/us better insight into your protag?
      • Having a hard time focusing on this corrupt committee, is this a PTA from hell? Does she reluctantly work for this committee? I like the idea of her working on the committee but finding out she is on the no to younglings list ? thus driving her story.
      • I get the radical parental part, but exams do not sound imposing or menacing (unless I am back in college). Think about a way to amp this up e.g. “XXX reluctantly works for a childless corrupt committee that imposes their radical parental will XXX” – makes my blood boil just thinking about this ?

      I would love to see another version based on all the input provided thus far in the comments – take care!

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    3. Singularity

      And then what happens? What’s the actual plot? We have scenario currently, not a logline. Check out the formula page for help with formatting and the elements that are pretty much mandatory in a logline.

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    4. If I mention any more about the young woman then the logline will turn into a synopsis.  She goes though a lot changes while working for the committee.

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    5. Samurai

      Hey there,

      this sentence implies what your story is going to be about (a kind of sci-fi dystopian future), but what is the ‘young woman’ in your story actually doing in this supposed-to-be film? She works for this corrupt committee, yes, but what is she doing in terms of the plot to push the story forward? Is she turning against this committee and trying to undermine it so she can save couples? Is she getting pregnanted by herself and wants to quit her job, but can’t do it without getting in danger?

      Best if you try to figure out who your protagonist is and what he/she is going to do/have to do.

      The concept and setting sound really interesting though!

      All the best with it!

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