The Outlaw and The Carpenter
In this Western, a harmonious father & husband picks up his guns to gain revenge after his family are brutally murdered by a ruthless sheriff in search of a fabled map.
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Here is your logline with the inciting incident first
“When his family is brutally murdered by a corrupt sheriff searching for a lost treasure map, a grieving former outlaw turned loving family man picks up his guns one last time to get revenge.”
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Here is the logine without the map: (Because unless the map is part of the goal it isn’t needed)
“When his family is brutally murdered by a corrupt sheriff, a grieving former outlaw turned loving family man picks up his guns one last time to get revenge.”
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Here is a logline with the map:
“When his family is brutally murdered by a corrupt sheriff searching for a lost treasure map, a gentle farmer vows to get revenge and spoil the ruthless lawman’s plans by claiming the treasure first.”
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Hope that helped, good luck with this!
A bit of clarification about the map.
In a story there is a ‘set-up’ and a ‘pay-off’. The pay-off should directly correspond to the set-up and the goal should reflect it as well.
Set-up: loser falls for popular girl
Goal: Become prom king (so he can have one dance with her)
Pay-off: Loser get’s girl (and becomes popular)
In your story you have added a map to the set-up, therefore the map should be part of the goal and the pay-off.
This is true for the logline not just the story (Although you won’t give away the pay-off in the logline)
If the Sheriff kills the lead’s family ‘because of a map’ then the goal of the lead character should have something to do with the map as well, but If that isn’t the case then the map should simply be dropped from the logline because it isn’t needed.
Set-up: Bad Sheriff kills leads family for fabled map
Goal: Get map, beat Sheriff to treasure
Pay-off: Get the gold (Sheriff get’s blown to smithereens)
or
Set-up: Bad sheriff kills leads family
Goal: learn (re-learn) to use his guns (or possible get the old gang together)
Pay-off: Kill Sheriff (He dead, everyone cheers)
In conclusion: If you keep the map in the logline, then the leads goal should have something to do with the map. If you just want the lead to blow away the Sheriff in the end, then drop the map from the logline.
hope that helped
Hello,
Thanks for responding! Yes, that helped massively! Bit of a background – The Outlaw already has the map, which the sheriff is obsessed with. The Outlaw’s revenge, is the sheriff living his whole life without ever seeing it!
Danny
“The Outlaw?s revenge, is the sheriff living his whole life without ever seeing it!”
How will this look like?
For a goal to be good it needs to be depicted cinematically.
Hope this helps.
What is so dramatically compelling, emotionally gripping about hiding a map?
On the other, hand getting revenge for the murder of one’s family…