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DannyPenpusher
Inorder to Save and Marry his Indian Girlfriend who is getting arranged Married, An American Highschool teacher is being tricked by his Indian Student and Colleagues plans & Kidnaps his Girlfriend from her Strict Cultural Family
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The flow is disjointed in several places and many words have been unnecessarily capitalised. Having the twist of being tricked mid sentence could be amplified if it went closer to the end, thus building intrigue.
A possible edit could be:
In order to save his Indian girlfriend from an imminent arranged marriage, an American high school teacher plans to kidnap his girlfriend from her strict cultural family, only to find he has been tricked by his Indian student and colleagues.
Hey Mate,
Its perfect, Thank you
I’m still unclear with my Plot what to reflect and what not to
Please find this revised one, i’ve added few lines
“A lovelorn high school teacher is being tricked by his student and colleagues resorts to kidnapping his Indian girlfriend from getting arranged married and then fighting her strict cultural family takes her to L.A and Marries her”
Pls advice if this is understandable and clear
This logline is hard to read.
What is the main conflict of the story? Is the story about him kidnapping his girlfriend, or is it about what happens after he kidnaps his girlfriend… btw, why does he have to kidnap her, why doesn’t she go willingly?
“When he kidnaps the woman he loves to save her from an arranged marriage, a lovelorn teacher must…” (Do this thing in order to: win her heart? Stay out of Jail? Convince her parents to let her marry him?)
I actually don’t know what the lead character’s goal is from this logline to be honest.
Hey Richie
Thanks for your review
Its my first time, I’m learning things slowly
I have made a revised one by given 3 reviews and added few lines
“A lovelorn high school teacher is being tricked by his student and colleagues resorts to kidnapping his Indian girlfriend from getting arranged married and then fighting her strict cultural family takes her to L.A and Marries her”
Pls advice if this is understandable and clear
What is the relationship between the students and colleagues, and the girl he is in love with? In other words, what is their motivation for tricking the lead character?
This is what I can glean:
“When falling for an Indian student, an overseas American high school teacher resorts to kidnapping in order to prevent her upcoming arranged marriage”
I can’t think of a culture where this relationship is OK – I’m missing the comedy. Maybe the “trick” is your comedy hook, and the logline can be reorganized around it?
Keep going.
Hey Odie,
Thanks for your review
Haha, No culture accepts a student Teacher relationship
Actually its a different story, I was not clear before
But I have made a revised one by given 3 reviews and added few lines
“A lovelorn high school teacher is being tricked by his student and colleagues resorts to kidnapping his Indian girlfriend from getting arranged married and then fighting her strict cultural family takes her to L.A and Marries her”
Pls advice if this is understandable and clear
Let’s workshop a bit:
“A lovelorn” – lovelorn is good!
“high school teacher” – there’s a US > L.A. connection in your logline, why? The reader will assume an Indian HS teacher thus mentioning L.A. will make them do a double-take. If your teacher is from the US, then you need to preface this for orientation purposes.
“is being tricked by his student” – no clue what this means, what does this look like on the screen?
“and colleague’s” – can be removed.
“resorts to kidnapping his Indian girlfriend” – As mentioned by others, who is this girlfriend to your teacher? The only assumption is that she is a student of his – anyone else would be outside the world of your logline.
“from getting arranged married” – Ok, this plausible.
“and then fighting her strict cultural family” – can be removed, by stating an arranged marriage the reader will get she comes from a strict fam.
“takes her to L.A. and Marries her” – this can be interpreted as they embark on an L.A. whirlwind romance.
Suggestion: Click the Formula link at the top of the page, read the page, then reread all input given to refashion your logline. I know your plot is still in development. Again, I’m hoping the “trick” is your comedy hook and the entire logline can be restructured around it, hope you find this constructive.
Yes thank you odie,
Actually it happens in US and teacher is a US citizen and his girlfriend is First generation indian from US not a student
Yes trick part is actually the hook which is finally revealed
The Student is also first generation Indian American finds his teacher is helpless so he decides to help him
What motivates the student to help him is the main twist or plot in the story! Thats why he tricks him into kidnapping Which the truth is revealed later
When a Native American Indian professor deep in shamanism finds true love with his spiritually gifted but bullied Hindu Indian student, he must develop a cross-cultural ruse to whisk her away and marry her before she is engulfed inside the dreaded loveless marriage others have arranged for her.
Comedy or drama, either way I like it.
Good job on the concept, Danny!