For the script “CEMENT PILLOW”
LucienYorkPenpusher
Jesus Christ living under an alias is brutalized by two police officers and decides to fight back bringing him face to face with his estranged daughter a sergeant in SWAT. Their confrontation will decide whether humanity lives or dies.
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https://www.dropbox.com/s/6k2ve35nau8fxkl/My%20Diary.docx?dl=0
I’d say we resemble in work. 🙂
The link here, the doc teaches how to kill using only your brain. Incomplete doc, soon to be over.?
Hello LucienYork, welcome!
I strongly recommend visiting this link below:
https://loglines.org/?sort=vote
Page after page It includes the top rated loglines posted here. It’s really immersing and you’d get what is considered a “good logline”
…but maybe you’ve written your treatment or the first draft well enough and only struggle to put it into a logline?? In that case, If you provide a link to your “work in progress”, we’d be willing to take a look and try our best to logline it,
because currently, there is no film here…
A logline must include a character-event-goal dynamic and must raise only this one question:
“will our hero achieve his goal?” Whereas yours leave us with many,
Why is Jesus Christ living under an alias?
Why was he brutalized by the two police officers?
(Is that you’re inciting event?)
How come he decides to fight back? How does his confrontation an estranged daughter decide whether humanity lives or dies? As a result, what becomes his objective goal?
Good luck!
A provocative and perplexing premise. I’m not sure it’s a marketable one.
And I don’t see how the very survival of humanity is at stake.? It’s JC vs the Cops. How does everyone else get caught in the cross-fire?? Why must everyone else get caught up in the altercation?
And since the genre is described as Sci-Fi, it is a JC living in an alternate universe?
What is the goal of your lead character?
In the Bible,?the goal of Jesus was the salvation of all human beings. Thus he allowed himself to be arrested, beaten and die on the cross.
In your story, he does the opposite. He fights back? Why? What is his motivation? What Jesus trying to accomplish?
In secular terms, let’s say you wrote a script about Superman, who in previous cannon?fought for truth, justice, and the American way… now in your script, Superman joins Isis and begins fighting against America. That is fine, however, the “Why is he doing this?” question will be asked. Why is Superman acting out of character?? What is the event that makes Superman go from fighting for justice to fighting for terror? What is he trying to accomplish?
In other words, having Jesus as your main character and even having him act out of character is fine, but there should be a strong motivation, more than just a spur of the moment decision to change who he is.
Your comments and questions are spot on and I really appreciate you for taking the time to help me I have read what you have written and I have understood. I reworked the logline I believe im on the right track…. Here it goes…
The Lord living under an alias tries to reconcile with his estranged daughter who is a member of SWAT, but kills two police officers in self defense and not only finds himself at war with a brutal police force, but his daughter and now the salvation of humanity hangs in the balance.
I will post the 1st ACT and send you the link when it’s posted…
The Belgium movie?The Brand New Testament (original French title Le tout nouveau testament)?is based on an equally provocative premise. It is a very good satirical comedy that despite its thought provoking and some may blasphematory is a heart warming movie with some fantastic acting.
in this movie, the protagonist is his God’s daughter and her goal is to save humanity.
Making that same change will make your logline more logical. Also by having a vulnerable protagonist, you introduce some kind of suspense making it more attractive. Otherwise it sounds like the all powerful being Jesus Christ is not happy and is going to kicks me butts. Who us going to stop him? Nobody can. End of.
Strange premise can make very good science-fiction movie, but the premise must be written in a coherent fashion and not turn into a gimmick. Jesus Christ is a badass run the risk of turning into gimmickry and ridicule.
A good example of science-fiction movie based on a weird premise is the?French movie?A mere mortal (original French title Simple mortel). When a linguist specialised in dead language starts receiving coded messages he must fulfil increasingly difficult missions to save humanity. In the movie the entire humanity is at risk but with an unlikely protagonist. It has no special effect and starts as a mundane slice of French life before veering toward the weird thriller.