Struggling to rise up after a traumatic injury, a man becomes a firefighter. Hindered by extreme medical issues from the incident, he fights for both his job and a woman across the country.
EpersPenpusher
Struggling to rise up after a traumatic injury, a man becomes a firefighter. Hindered by extreme medical issues from the incident, he fights for both his job and a woman across the country.
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Story, especial for the screen, is best thought of in finite terms. In other words, you need to define a starting point – inciting incident, and an end point – goal. Right now the revised draft of the logline describes an endless situation – he will continue to fight for the job and women to no end.
As DPG advised, best to structure a logline around an event that motivates the main character to need to achieve a particular goal.
>>The vision loss does not occur until halfway through his fire career.
Oh. The logline misleads on that point. ?It says “after a traumatic injury…”.
If that injury occurs 1/2 through the story, then it doesn’t seem to be the inciting incident. ?Rather, it’s a complication.
In 25 word or less:
What is the inciting incident in the story?
As a causal consequence of that incident, what becomes his objective goal?
Note: loglines are about the “A'” story, not the “B” story. ?So the relationship with the woman is extraneous, unnecessary.
(And in drama, a protagonist doesn’t get to have the best of both worlds, the “A” story and the “B” story. Inevitably, he will be trapped between the horns of a dilemma where he must sacrifice one to obtain the other.)
Vision loss, extreme migraines — and yet he passes the physical???
Is this for a series or a feature film? ?Either way, the “A” story, the bulk of the plot would be about his firefighting, wouldn’t it? ?The relationship would be the subordinate “B” story? ?So what’s the “A” story? ?What’s the 2nd Act?
Hi Jay
A logline’s ideal word count?is between 25 and?30 words, best that you re draft this with the aim to reduce the length. In addition please read the training tab on the top bar for further advise on logline conventions and best practice.