MISSLE: Limited fuel and the LAPD heat leave a severely disabled man just one night on his two- wheeled hand-built killing machine to seek and destroy the gang that brutally murdered his brother.
FmaSamurai
MISSLE: Limited fuel and the LAPD heat leave a severely disabled man just one night on his two- wheeled hand-built killing machine to seek and destroy the gang that brutally murdered his brother.
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This is unclear.
The logline heavily relies on the reader to piece together the various bits of information in order to make sense of the plot, however, that’s not what a logline should do.
Instead of describing events, you’re describing the particulars of his situation and forcing the reader to interpret what events had transpired. Best to stick to the convention of events and character descriptions in a logline.
What happened to the MC that made him end up with limited fuel and the LAPD after him? This should be one event that brought him to be the way he is in the beginning of the story. If you don’t have one event and it’s a series of them, make one up – it’s your inciting incident and is currently missing from the logline.
“…Two-wheeled hand built killing machine…” – is a long way of saying “…custom motorcycle…” and ultimately unnecessary. All that matters is he is going to seek and destroy the gang that killed his brother – that’s your plot, the specifics of the vehicle he uses are not relevant in a logline.
This brings me to the biggest problem – his goal. His goal is negative, he wants to kill for revenge, however, it would be better to give him a positive goal and in doing so make him a better person than the gang members. Perhaps he wants to bring them to justice or save the life of another person they have taken?
When his brother is brutally murdered…
Limited fuel and the LAPD heat leave a severely disabled man….
Too many any question that I guess aren’t the story, just obstacles in the story. ?LAPD heat, no idea what that is, sorry. ?Limited fuel, once he gets fuel story over. ?So I am guessing fuel isn’t the story.
“A disabled man sets out to kill the gang that murdered his brother”. ?Or
“Arm only with a home made killing machine a disable man set out to kill the gang that murdered his brother”
hope we this helps.
btw, this is a good idea for a story. The logline itself needs worked and cut down but overall it has a good hook.
The logline buries the inciting incident when it is SOP is to lead off with it. ?Perhaps the idea is that the complications (“limited fuel and the LAPD heat leave a severely disabled man just one night on his two- wheeled hand-built killing machine”) constitute ?the hook and , ergo, are better to lead off with in order to differentiate it from ?other revenge plots. ?The logline seems to promise a non-stop, high speed, ?full bore, red line pursuit of revenge for revenge’s sake. ?The protagonist is chasing the gang as the cops (“LAPD heat”) chase him.
Well, there is a market for high octane, high testosterone driven stories.
I do have a concern about the story falling into the trap of ethnic stereotyping. ? I hope the protagonist is not another White dude going after another Black or Chicano or Asian gang.
?
feel like I do need to add the fact that their is a time limit or denote that time is of the essence in my longline. ? I think in this retooling of the logline I am successfully establishing the protagonist, what he wants, a time limit, and the inciting incident
the hook is he is disabled. ?so he has limited movement. and I think a second “hook” is ” What exactly IS this killing machine?? ?and wtf does it look like?”?
So here goes another crack at it and please let me know what you guys think, thank you .
MISSLE?
After helplessly witnessing his brother murdered by a vicious gang, a disabled man in LA?sets out one night on his homemade killing machine to seek vengeance.
(27 words)
“I hope the protagonist is not another White dude going after another Black or Chicano or Asian gang.”
I?have no idea?what movies you’re referring.
Studios and TV networks actually go out of their way to not stereotype.? Most of the time resulting in unintentional comedy