Endo-Ex
Alan SmitheePenpusher
London freezes and collapses into ruin; the few who survive find a trail leading them to corruption on the highest scale: The disaster didn?t kill them, but what they find just might.
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It begins really well and sets up a very striking world and obvious problem. ?But then it gets really vague. ?Who is the main character or is there one? ?I would think their goal would be to survive, not to uncover corruption since it seems it is too late to reverse whatever corruption has caused this. ?If there is hope of undoing the ruin, that should be noted. ?Lastly it says what they find might kill them, but how? ?I think it’s more likely that who they find will kill them? ?It doesn’t really name a villain or a hero is I guess what I’m trying to say.
What DPG wrote.
This line lacks the crucial detail needed to describe a plot and sounds more like a tag-line than a logline.
The last sentence “…The disaster didn?t kill them, but what they find just might…” needs to be cut as it adds no detail or clarity to the story and concept.
For the next draft try starting the logline with the specific and unusual event that causes the freeze as appose to the generic description of the resulting natural disaster.
Hope this helps.
>>London freezes and collapses into ruin
London freezes over as in the city is buried in another Ice Age? If that is the case, so would the rest of Britain, most of Europe probably. And other populated areas of the globe. If that is the case for this story, the Ice Age setting completely overwhelms the premise of the logline. Wouldn’t the more urgent problem be mere survival — who cares about corruption?
And who is the main character, the leader of the “few who survive”?
The logline raises more questions in my mind than answers to the basis questions a logline should answer. I am confused.