MARBLE HILL SKINNIES AND THE BLACKJACK KID: The story of 2 young men addict to drugs, sex and gambling. They decide the best treatment is to go to Vegas and over indulge the disease.
TOMC6661Penpusher
MARBLE HILL SKINNIES AND THE BLACKJACK KID: The story of 2 young men addict to drugs, sex and gambling. They decide the best treatment is to go to Vegas and over indulge the disease.
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There are some unnecessary words in there (e.g. “The story of”) and you are missing the event that sets them in motion. Some stakes could be useful as well. Here is a quick rework:
“2 young men who are addicted to drugs, sex and gambling need to get clean if they are to attend their sisters wedding, so they go to Vegas to get it all out of their system, but as they get deeper into their worst natures they realise they might never return”
FLAWED PROTAGONISTS: 2 young men who are addicted to drugs, sex and gambling
EXPERIENCE EVENT: e.g. hit rock bottom when a third friend overdoses; or, want to get clean in time for their friends wedding…etc.
ACTION: and decide to try stimulation satiation therapy in Vegas (this is the technical name for overindulging in order to get it out of your system)
ANTAGONIST: ?? their vices? I think a lack of other things in life to pull them back is best, but if this could be represented by a person? i.e. one of the two young men could want to get clean, but the other one has already entirely given up on life and risks pulling them both down.
STAKES/TIME CLOCK: ?? the wedding scenario gives you clear stakes and time pressure, but there are a million ways to do this
Keep at it!
FreeWill has made some good points.
Generally it’s worth trying to identify the protagonist, the one who will drive the A-plot, or the POV character. It’ll be their story we follow, so that’s the form the script is likely to take. 2 protagonists seem messy; and they’re unlikely to have the same flaws … and if they do, there’s probably very little opportunity for conflict to arise between them. Even Harry and Lloyd in Dumb & Dumber had different outlooks on life …
My understanding of a character flaw is that it’s something internal; it’s a wound inside the character that is terrifying for the character to face (which is why they won’t do it) … but that they NEED to face in order to heal themselves and move on with their life. Addiction itself is not a flaw; it’s the symptom of one, the method your protagonist has chosen to COPE with the flaw, because it’s so terrifying.. So what is your the flaw that he’ll have to work through in the course of the film? What is this character’s arc?
FreeWill has pointed out that the logline needs an event; it gives us context, stakes, and potentially a deadline that the characters must work within (which is useful to up the tension, conflict and stakes). But an event must HAPPEN TO the characters; it cannot be something that the character decides on their own. Even the decision is an ACTION. So ‘want to get clean in time for their friends’ wedding’ is an ACTION, not an event. NOW … if the protagonist’s fiance told him that she would NOT marry him unless he got clean; well, that’s an event — and you could understand that the corresponding action he and his friend take might be to go and work it all out of their system.
“They decide” is a weak action. Characters decide thousands of things over the course of a movie. Is the action they take the journey? (Is it a road movie about trying to get to Vegas?) Or is the action they take getting high in Vegas (Is is a Vegas based drug-trip movie)?
There’s a lot that’s not clear in your logline about what the movie you’re describing contains, why it is set in motion, who it is about and what it is that would make an audience care.
Kind of sounds like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas – not sure you can top a cult classic.
You’re missing the inciting incident.
One more thing. Your logline is written from the narrator’s point of view.
In order to draw in a reader, it should be written from the lead character’s point of view.
This would be an example of a logline written from the point of view of the lead character:
“When his daughter threatens to send him to rehab, a functional alcoholic and his best friend escape to Vegas for one last beer soaked hurrah.”
Nicholasandrewhalls makes excellent points.
The premise brings to mind “Leaving Las Vegas” where the alcoholic character goes to Vegas determined to drink himself to death.? That’s his? objective goal — and he achieves it.?
Which is more than I can discern in this trio of addle brained addicts.? What is their objective goal in diving head first into the deep end of their addictions?? Plots are about people who striving mindfully, intentionally toward specific objective goals,? wise and foolish, constructive and destructive.