Michelle a small town girl from Florida moves to Chicago to her education. Struggling under the burden of paying for college. While working at a local bar she befriend a customer Zeus. After talking for a while Zeus offers her a way to make plenty of money. Michelle soon finds herself embroiled with the Russian mafia, lost in world of sex and drugs she must fight to get out.
LuceLogliner
Michelle a small town girl from Florida moves to Chicago to her education. Struggling under the burden of paying for college. While working at a local bar she befriend a customer Zeus. After talking for a while Zeus offers her a way to make plenty of money. Michelle soon finds herself embroiled with the Russian mafia, lost in world of sex and drugs she must fight to get out.
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“When she becomes entice into the seedy world of sex and drugs, while buried under the burden of student loans, a med student must fight her way out because while the college debt was bad, the cure will kill her.”
And I third giannisggeorgiou’s advice.? Working with the logline formula is a useful tool to sort out your story and figure out what it is really about.
When I read a logline, the 1st question in my mind I try to answer is : what’s the story hook?? What makes the story unique, different from all the other stories about college students ?? What is there in the story that immediately grabs my interest?? What grabs my interest in this logline is the student debt angle.? The burden of debt U.S. students are assuming to get a college education is bone crushing and the default rate is soaring.? I suggest that’s a here-and-now crisis, a news hook around with which to build? a logline hook .
Mike’s advice is great.
I will also insist on your working with the formula, not because we want to be “Stepford Logliners” and all have the same dogma or something, but because it actually helps you sort out your story concept tremendously! Try it!
As I’ve mentioned in the reviews for your other two loglines – we don’t need names, it should be one sentence under 35 words, and I’d strongly recommend checking out the “our formula” tab for help with formatting.
This isn’t a logline. This is a short synopsis. If it’s not important to the story it doesn’t need to be in the logline. She moves from Florida to Chicago… great… but this holds no bearing on the story. Take it out. She’s from a small town… arguably could go some way to describe her naivety… but ultimately it’s fairly irrelevant… take it out (but consider keeping ‘Naive’ as a characteristic). “Struggling under the burden of paying for college” – can’t you just say she’s a “penniless student”?
Zeus has only offered the means of making money to her… she still needs to accept. How much information is she given? Is she told that she can make a quick buck if she gets embroiled with the Russian mafia, lost in a world of sex and drugs? Probably not. So how does Zeus actually entice her in? A webcam show? Dealing a little weed on the side? What actually happens that leads to the world of sex and drugs? This is the inciting incident so it’s very important!
Naive –> Experienced is her character arc, the inciting incident is whatever starts her down this path, and the goal is to get out again in one piece… that’s plenty to craft a great logline.
Hope this helps.