New to a civilian world, an ex soldier freshly divorced from an abusive marriage, is forced to live with his PTSD twin sister while trying to build a business to pay the bills.
Alan SmitheePenpusher
New to a civilian world, an ex soldier freshly divorced from an abusive marriage, is forced to live with his PTSD twin sister while trying to build a business to pay the bills.
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There seems to be 3 inciting incidents here – the new civilian status, the divorce, and being forced to live with his sister. None of these really relates to the goal of trying to build a business and pay the bills though. The I.I. and the goal need to be more closely related.?They work as a question and an answer. The inciting incident poses a question to the protagonist ? what do you do when a shark kills a tourist on your beach? The goal is how the protagonist chooses to answer it ? you try to kill the shark. I’d focus on trying to get a little more cohesion between the elements.
Hope this helps.
Does the sister have PTSD and not him? Was the sister in the army, too? Did she have a personal trauma that we need to know of?
This premise sounds like the beginning of a movie. We are waiting for a “Then…”
Of course, lots of dramas are just that. In that case, we probably expect to read more about the conflict of the story. Does the conflict come from the sister? What about her?
“When his sister suffers a nervous breakdown, a newly discharged Master Sargent navigates his way through the cutthroat world of small business?in order to help his sister’s convenience store survive while she seeks psychiatric?help.”
The PTSD sister is a complication, not an antagonist unless she is actively trying to stop him from achieving a goal. As Richiev suggests, helping her seems to be the goal, but I feel like there’s a twist missing from the story that would make it more interesting. Just for example, if he took over his sister’s store and discovered?a local gang is extorting it, it would not only be one way to explain her PTSD but defeating them would also give him a more concrete goal than just “building a business.”