Model Citizen
Adam Bernstr?mSamurai
On a dare a naive orphan tries to get aboard a legendary space ship, and back to the orphanage before dinner with a "souvenir" from the ship or the two bullies who made the dare will smash his model space ship.
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Hey Adam
love the idea. Logline is a little long. Try to go for 27 -25 words, the limit is more of a guide anymore than 27 words you’ll need to edit… (Hard, I know)
My spin…
When a naive orphan’s replica model is stolen by two obnoxious bullies, he must board the real space ship, collect a souvenir and return before dinner or loose his prized possession forever. (30 Words)
Sorry but I prefer the original, above. I like the voice. It’s got a playfulness about it that makes me want to see the film. A voice of its own.
Well done!
You’ve got the goal, the enemy, the stakes, the ticking clock… it’s all there.
I agree try to cut if you can, but the 25 – 27 word count rule can be broken and often is. Some say 3 sentences or less.
However, they say High Concept can be stated in one sentence. I’d say this is high concept.
We can ‘to the orphanage’ as we can presume getting home is to an orphanage. I changed space ship to ‘toy’ to avoid repetition and to keep the childlike flavor and kept the sentence in the active present tense.
So:
For a dare a naive orphan boards a legendary space ship to steal a souvenir but he must get back before dinner or the bullies who dared him are smash his favorite toy to pieces.
Take what you will… 🙂
Love the concept.
oops, try again (bestest is intentional)
For a dare a naive orphan boards a legendary space ship to steal a souvenir but he must get back before dinner or the bullies who dared him are gonna smash his bestest toy to pieces.
Thank you. This isn’t my first logline or my first iteration of a logline for this project. There’s an earlier version a page or two back. I think that one may actually be shorter, but this works better where I have the bullies as antagonists rather than the security guard in the earlier version.
I was worried about including the bullies and the stakes of the ship would make it long, which it did. I do like your version too. I would probably cut the adjective obnoxious myself. Besides, I think all bullies are obnoxious, or rather being a bully makes one obnoxious.
Thanks Filmstar. High Concept, huh? Wow. I thought it was a good idea, but this is better response than I could have dreamed of. 🙂 I’m writing down the suggested loglines so I can decide which version I like best, and maybe come up with a really good one myself. Thanks again.
Have you written the script yet? Do you have a story outline ?
It would be cool if the kid could see the bullies slowly destroy his model via a streaming video link on his phone…and this had some effect on the real ship too…
This would be a good way to keep him connected to the main antagonists, while facing obstacles on the ship…
Perhaps the bullies actions put lives at stake – maybe the world as we know it … to make it very high concept…
What starts as a stupid dare turns into a world-saving adventure…and a nerdy kid turns into an action hero…
Just spouting ideas. You’ve probably already got it all worked out 😉
Love it anyway!
I have a beat sheet that’s filled in, all except the Finale beat, which is pretty much act 3… I haven’t decided exactly how it ends yet. But otherwise I’ve pretty much figured it out, and started writing the script.
I would decide on an ending first – because you’ll want to foreshadow or set – up the ending with dialogue or visuals which can be paid off later in ACT 3
I know what you mean. And you’re right.
Actually I think I have the very ending of the movie figured out ? not set in stone, but I’ve considered the orphan getting adopted and new parent buying him a new model kit of the ship.
It’s what happens and who he meets (or doesn’t meet) once he gets onboard the ship which shouldn’t happen until act 3, the way I figured it.
Why did I think that the ‘model ship’ would actually (by some freak time/space warp thingy) actually be the REAL SHIP that the boy is on board? I’m not sure if a story about a couple of kids threatening to break a toy unless another kid sneaks onto a SPACESHIP is working for me. Could just be me.
Seems like your STAKES (losing a toy) are completely overshadowed by the AWESOMENESS of this kid getting to sneak around a REAL spaceship! Screw the bullies, they can keep the toy, I’m on the FREAKING REAL THING!!
I agree with JustAnIdea – in fact I had the same already if you read back in these posts 😛
Some weird Jungian universal synchronicity going on here…
OMG, you’re right. Of course the protag will want to stay on board and travel along with the space ship.
You’ve helped me figure out the ending!
I hadn’t decided if he would actually meet the owner of the ship, his hero ? a Flash Gordon/Buck Rogers type of hero ? and he will ask to stay on board, and even make a very good case. But the owner will turn him down this time.
This whole story is a bit of back story for another story that I’ve already written a first draft of, which ends with the orphan character, as an adult (early twenties) getting to travel along on the ship in the end.
You could ditch the bully motivation and the dare all together, and go with a more Close Encounters of the Third Kind take on it; where something happens to the boy he gets a glimpse of the ship etc., and then life can never go back to normal until he gets on the ship. If getting on the ship is the goal the bullies could stand in his way instead. Maybe his fascination with his favorite toy (that he has been ridiculed for) has had a higher meaning all along…maybe…just maybe…he is meant to get on that ship!
Just another direction.
Thanks for the input. … True he is ridiculed for playing with his toy, by the bullies. … Also, I don’t think I’ve mentioned this, and I’ve found no room for it in the logline, as I still try to keep it fairly short, but the story is supposed to be set in a time and place (not Earth) where and when space ships are commonplace. But the ship in question is special, as it belongs to a hero who is so legendary that most people think he doesn’t actually exist. And he has to get through this busy space port to get to the ship, where there are many dangers, with ships taking off and loading and unloading going on. And maybe some shade characters, that I’m thinking of adding that the kid can help put a stop to, as some of you suggested he becomes a bit of a hero himself.