On a drunken dare, two disgruntled NASA interns plot to secretly deliver a sample of super-bacteria to Mars, transforming the face of the Red Planet forever. Title: Green Planet
sjoPenpusher
On a drunken dare, two disgruntled NASA interns plot to secretly deliver a sample of super-bacteria to Mars, transforming the face of the Red Planet forever. Title: Green Planet
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The End.
It’s an interesting premise but at the moment it’s not really a story. What happens next? According to the logline, the interns only plot to send the sample… they don’t actually do it.
Assuming the sample is sent to Mars, surely it’s gonna take a while for it to get there. What happens while this is going on? Are astronauts taking the sample to Mars or is it an unmanned probe?
What’s the goal of the protagonists? At the moment, I’m not really seeing anything further than Act I.
There’s definitely something to this so stick with it but maybe think more about the consequences, stakes, and goals that could come into play here.
Hope this helps.
I think the downside of this logline comes from the motivation?of the lead character.
In a story, the lead character must want something more than anything else in the world. And if they fail their whole world will come crashing down. (Sometimes metaphorically?sometimes literally)
In your story, the lead is motivated by a drunken dare? So basically if their plan succeeds, cool: if it fails, cool.
Why should the audience care if the lead character succeeds if the lead is just doing it on a whim? (And by ‘why should the audience care,’ I mean it should be in the logline)
So I would start with the question. What does the lead character want more than anything in the world? Then build your logline around that and you will see a big improvement in your logline.
On top of that…
If the reader is supposed to root for the interns, then how can he when they’re trying to poison Mars? Or if the reader is supposed to enjoy them taking a wrong path, then what exactly makes this enjoyable? Clarify the hook.
My two cents.
Okay, now I understand the photo-life part. What remains: Why should we care if they succeed or not?? This seems to be the present and we have the exploration of Mars with plans to put humans on it before long, so it seems these guys are creating a possible shortcut for what would happen anyway. There’s something soft about all this and I still don’t see the humor or irony.
Were other possibilities considered? If you take the elements of two interns (or any other two lowly or ironic characters) and? photo-life, can you move and change other parts to see what happens? What if this is the near future with the first group of humans landing on Mars? What if it’s the present and they change the planet by the start of Act II…what might happen next?