Uberwriter
Posted: 2016-02-12T17:47:20+10:00 In:

Paranoid and close to breaking a drug addicted army medic must survive a plot to get him killed after he discusses a friendly fire cover up.

Paranoid and close to breaking a drug addicted army medic must survive a plot to get him killed after he discusses a friendly fire cover up.
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    7 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      Discusses could be Discovers.

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    2. Singularity

      The bare elements in this logline sound interesting and the inner journey is clear, I’m just not clear on the plot though.

      Is the discovery of the cover-up the inciting incident? If so mention it sooner.

      And what is his goal? What does he need to achieve as a result? Surviving is one thing but what is the one thing he must do to know that he is no longer in danger? Without this the story won’t end and he will keep “surviving” for the rest of his life.
      Perhaps he needs to kill the assassins before they kill him, or he must kill his former commanding officer.

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    3. Singularity

      I believe Nir’s review is on the money

      One thing you don’t want is a passive lead character. The character should do something or have a goal, not simply be swept up in events beyond their control (Like Jupiter Ascending)

      In your logline, the character ‘must survive’ a plot. The lead character isn’t the one moving the story forward, he’s reacting instead of acting.

      How about this:
      —–
      When an addicted Amy Medic discovers a friendly fire cover-up, He must traverse 50 miles of searing desert, while being hunted by those who want him silenced, in order to reach the commanding officer and bring the event to light.
      —–

      In this version, the lead character has a goal, he wants to expose the cover-up, not simply survive.

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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    4. Logliner

      I’m very new to screenwriting but a decent copy editor, just a couple of changes to make it cleaner:

      “Paranoid and close to breaking, a drug-addicted army medic must survive a plot to kill him after he discusses a friendly fire cover-up.”

      Maybe it’s assumed, but are the antagonists his soldiers from his Army platoon? Maybe a B-line plot line with a woman who helps him along the way. If he’s in the Middle-East make her Muslim and risking her own life to lend support?

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    5. Singularity

      If the protagonist is, indeed,?the target of an assassination plot, it’s not paranoia — it’s a?fully justified, rational assessment of jeopardy.

      It seems to me that it’s not enough?of a motivation for?the medic to be targeted because of what he knows.? Rather he’s being targeted? because of what he knows and tells. ( To his superiors first, and then threatens to go to the?press when his superiors deny the incident, suppress the evidence.)? And?the latter case?would also?make him a more proactive character.

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    6. Uberwriter

      Just trying to assess if I move on to cards for this story.

      So far in my head it looks like this. Medic doing drugs knows something that will end the careers/gaol of people in the unit. He reports it. Some stuff happen. He goes see his commander again and he says he doesn’t know what he is talking about.

      he has a friend which is like his voice of reason. Things are happening and his friend convinces him he is just drup paranoid. The audience as well is unsure. The entire story is a chain of events while they are travelling back to civilisation. Where he could report again (not sure of that bit).

      a thriller based on he may be killed any minute by a small group of people within a larger group. We don’t know who, or even if it is real. But we have to suspect it is real, even when he doubts his own sanity.

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    7. Singularity

      There are too many? “we don’t know” or “it could be real or not” moments in your explanation of the story.
      As you are obviously still structuring the basic plot, try to simplify it in a logline paradigm and ignore the paranoia tendencies at this stage.

      Main character is:
      The army medic.

      MC flaw is:
      Drug addiction.

      Inciting incident could be:
      1 – Death of his fellow soldiers.
      or
      2 – His discovery of the friendly-fire cover up.
      or
      3 – An attempt on his life.

      His obstacle is:
      The bad officers in his regiment.

      His goal could be:
      1 – To kill the assassins.
      or
      2 – To kill his commanding officer.
      or
      3 – To bring the bad officers before a court martial.

      I suggest you pick one inciting incident and a goal and re draft the logline with those.

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