Interested to know if with these 25 words I have been able to get the story across?
Psychic visions land Dorothy at risk of possession in a haunted asylum, from which she escapes, only to discover her true enemy is her psychiatrist.
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Only you can tell if they get your story across, but they do indeed get A story across. I think it can be improved upon, however.
The phrase “at risk of possession” sounds ambiguous, and telling us she escapes is pretty much reducing the conflict before it exists. I think you have a foundation of intriguing conflcit by your protag being stuck in an asylum only to find out the person she trusts most is her “true enemy”.
“Questionable psychic visions land a paranoid mother (some type of description of protag) in a haunted asylum where she believes that her psychiatrist is actually the one trying to kill her.”
I’m curious as to the title you have for this project. I love these stories- I’d see it!
No logline expert by any means so take my opinion with a grain of salt: I suggest maybe removing the characters name which I don’t believe to be necessary in a logline and replace it with some type of character trait. So instead of “Psychic visions land Dorothy…” Try something like, “Psychic Visions land a suicidal teen..” or something that describes Dorothy to us. Hope this helps some.
Sounds like an interesting supernatural thriller especially with the ally turned enemy psychiatrist.
But I think the logline lacks clarity and stakes, by this I mean although being possessed is bad is it really bad enough to motivate her to avoid it at all cost? What?s the worst thing that could happen if she were possessed? Perhaps she needs to avoid possession put on her by a devil-worshiping psychiatrist in order to save her child. The logline also needs more clarification as to who the AN is; evil spirit, psychiatrist another mental patient?
Am not sure how psychic visions put a person “at risk of possession” but if this is a function of the supernatural force specific to the story may be best reserved for a synopsis and taken out of the logline. Perhaps say that she is at risk of being possessed without a direct explanation of how.
In any case though if her goal is to prevent her from being possessed this and the reason why need to be elaborated on as the chief motivation to win the conflict.
Hope this helps Nir.