Penpusher
Posted: 2020-07-20T22:15:51+10:00 In:

Ramona, an introverted high school girl, unknowingly helps a disguised magical spirit, and in return is awakened to the inevitable destructive fate of her world. Ramona must flee her seemingly protected, privileged city and upbringing, to journey through an impoverished but enchanting land to reach the world’s one true saviour, who is to be found on top of a distant mountain.

Ramona, an introverted high school girl, unknowingly helps a disguised magical spirit, and in return is awakened to the inevitable destructive fate of her world. Ramona must flee her seemingly protected, privileged city and upbringing, to journey through an impoverished but enchanting land to reach the world’s one true saviour, who is to be found on top of a distant mountain.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      >>>to reach the world’s one true saviour, who is to be found on top of a distant mountain.

      How will reaching the top of a distant mountain save her world? If this guy (or gal) is omnipotent enough to save her world, then isn’t he/she also omniscient to know it needs saving? So why doesn’t the savior just do his/her job?

      Also, it is ultimately the job of the protagonist to save her story world. But in this plot, she outsources her job to someone else.

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    2. Best Answer
      Samurai

      Dpg’s response as always is insightful and makes great points.

      My initial thoughts had more to do with shaving off a lot of the extra detail to highlight the meat of the story. Ultimately it’s a girl who learns of the end of the world and has to go on some journey to stop it. It’s interesting that she’s privileged and young, and has to go on such a consequential mission and through in an obviously uncomfortable setting. How she came across the information, from a magical spirit, is also fun and tells a lot of the character of the story, so I’d also include that, but I don’t think it’s important to explain in the logline WHY the spirit helps her.

      So I think all this can be a bit tighter. I’ll also make a first effort to incorporate dpg’s feedback.

      When an privileged high school girl learns from a magical spirit of the world’s impending doom, she must journey to the top of a mountain in an impoverished land to find the one who can tell her how to stop it.

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    3. Samurai

      Hi Stardustfortheearthlings,

      I’ll give this a go…

      INTENTION: must journey through impoverished land to reach the world’s true saviour. (And then what? Why must she absolutely do this?)

      OBSTACLE: sounds like it would be the journey I think? Could we get clearer and more specific? Does she have to stop/thwart something so that something truly bad doesn’t happen? What must she stop?

      With the world on the brink of collapse, a shy teen learns of a prophesied “true saviour of the world”, and journeys across dangerous terrain, to find him, and convince him to fulfil his destiny.

      – – this is by no means perfect. However – the intention/goal is a bit more clear, the stakes are high and there’s some conflict. (I’m guessing this guy doesn’t want to be the “saviour of the world” and is reluctant.)

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    4. Singularity

      “When she’s told by a spirit that her world is about to end, an introverted high schooler must travel to a dangerous enchanted land in order to reach the only being with the knowledge of how to save her world.”

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    5. Penpusher

      Thank you all for the feedback. It is very much appreciated. I have made some adjustments. Let me know what you think…

      When a magical spirit reveals the world’s destructive fate, an introverted high school girl must flee her privileged upbringing and journey through an impoverished land to find a saviour, which she later learns is actually herself, and confront the powerful government of the city before the world collapses beneath her feet.

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