Penpusher
Posted: 2020-08-27T02:13:21+10:00 In:

Right before Christmas, a successful young Hollywood agent is fired from his job. Shame filled and arrogant, he is forced to spend the holiday with his family in New York City where he meets Melissa, a kind and beautiful young woman who unexpectedly pulls him out of his funk, helps him move on from his old job, and becomes the greatest Christmas miracle of the season.

Right before Christmas, a successful young Hollywood agent is fired from his job. Shame filled and arrogant, he is forced to spend the holiday with his family in New York City where he meets Melissa, a kind and beautiful young woman who unexpectedly pulls him out of his funk, helps him move on from his old job, and becomes the greatest Christmas miracle of the season.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      When “an arrogantly successful young Hollywood agent” ->
      “is fired from his job” -> he must
      -> “spend Christmas holiday with his family in New York City”

      Cause = job loss || Effect = move back home

      Deductive logic: This Hollywood agent can’t have been that successful, if he has to move back home.

      However, When “an arrogant young Hollywood agent” ->
      “is fired from his job” -> he must … gives explanation for job loss and a much clearer character arc of:
      arrogant young man <> character of Humility

      The antagonist of this story is “a kind and beautiful young woman” (loglines conventionally replace names with character description – sorry Melissa!). However, how does this seductive princess lure our stated hero out of such funk?

      Story is the stated actions of character. Clarity of description of action would improve this logline.

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    2. Singularity

      Alas, the story relies on an all-too-old female role; that is, a good woman is type cast in the supporting role rather than the leading role, It’s her job to rescue, reform, redeem a bad man, or at least a failing one. She does all the emotional labor — he gets the dramatic payoff.

      We’re in the age of #MeToo now. I suggest an overhaul and upgrade of her role.

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    3. Singularity

      One thing that I noticed is you put the end of the story in the logline. You should leave a little mystery as to the story’s ending.

      You should tell the reader who the lead character is (Which you did)
      What sets the story into motion ( Being fired)
      and finally should should give us the lead characters’ dramatic goal.
      What does the lead want? What are the stakes if they don’t succeed?

      However, I wouldn’t tell the reader how it ends, or whether the lead character succeeds or fails in their goal. So I would leave that part out of the logline

      Hopefully, this was a helpful tip.

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    4. Samurai

      Hi Youngwriter1547,

      I’ll give this a go. There’s a lot of ornamental here – lets try to lean it out a bit.

      INTENTION: ?? character doesn’t seem to have a strong goal/intention. There’s no real story until character has some kind of strong goal.
      OBSTACLE: ?? there’s nothing really standing in his way. Without an obstacle – there’s no conflict. No drama.

      How about…

      When he is forced to spend Christmas with his family, – the inciting incident.
      a recently fired Hollywood agent,
      must – – – ???? (goal/intention comes here.)
      or else – – – ??? (what happens if he doesn’t? where’s the stakes?)

      “Melissa, a kind and beautiful young woman who unexpectedly… ” – all this is ornamental. Not necessarily to the logline.

      Notes –
      – Perhaps make it “estranged” family. That will suggest he has some distance to travel. Some kind of arc.

      Hope this helps.

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