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thedarkhorseSamurai
Series logline:?Set across the NYC Blackout of ?77, a reformed ex-con temporarily returns to his old life of drug dealing to pay for his mother?s hospital bill, but soon learns the game has changed and the players, old and new, are more ruthless than before.
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Hey kpetrakis01. I?ve been thinking about the ?but?.
At one point ?Mystic River? was a big influence.
I like the idea of one traumatic incident (in childhood) that echoes/ripples throughout your life and somewhat determines what you become as an adult.
Despite his behaviour, my protagonist has a saviour complex.
The other subplots?
Bobby – battling addiction and PTSD in a post-Nam world. He is the kind of guy who owes everyone money then borrows more money. He?s a mess. The friendship was inspired by ?The Deer Hunter?.
M. Sue – a victim of childhood abuse who grows up to be promiscuous, tough and yearning for fame and success.??She falls into a bad crowd and Jack pulls no punches to pull her out.
I do like the ?has to make sure the bro/sis doesn?t go his way? angle. Similarly, I also like the idea of this guy (he?s portrayed as a black sheep/ wasted potential, etc.) sacrificing his soul to provide for his family, friends. Perhaps putting a good kid through school. Not unlike Robin Hood or perhaps more suitably Christopher Walken in ?King o New York?.
So quite a few reviews here and I like this concept for a few reasons.
a) he’s a reformed ex-con – it means he made a choice and he’s reluctant to go back to it? – ethical dilemmas are great
b) he has a cause – this is set in America so life-saving surgery is important and not easily accessible.? I agree with others there should be one clear goal
c) some good points about what this new underground world is – is it more violent? is it led by his ex best friend? his sister? the cops? What are the risks – I’m assuming it’s not just returning to prison. Maybe exposing his undercover cop friend?
d) Blackout is only important if it creates a situation not available otherwise. (ie city is rioting, cops are preoccupied, security is down) and hence cannot happen any other time.
Hidden in the chaos of the 1977 Blackout, a reformed ex-con must return to his criminal life to save his (getting creative here) younger brother or sister from repeating his mistakes? /to find they money to for his mother’s life-saving surgery but finds he’s in deeper than he thinks / unprepared for the rules of the new underground world / face to face with an undercover cop
If it’s a TV series, I’m going to guess that he’s going to get deeper into the criminal world, even after he gets the money and won’t be able to get out?? How is that different to Breaking Bad? What is different about him, his situation etc that makes the situation more complicated. My motto is always dilemma, dilemma, dilemma – always make hard choices.
In 1977, a reformed ex-con reluctantly returns to NYC?s violent underworld to make fast money for his mother?s cancer treatment. (this is good but needs a BUT? -a simple but)
With all the talk of Breaking Bad and other long series, last thing I thought of was limited!
thedarkhorse:
It occurs to me that it might make for a stronger emotional justification for the decision to resume drug dealing if it’s the protagonist’s wife , or better yet, his child, who urgently needs the expensive cancer treatment.
fwiw
thedarkhorse:
>>>During the week of the N.Y. Blackout of ?77, a reformed ex-con returns to his old life of drug dealing to pay for his mother?s cancer treatment.
I like the this version.? It leads off with the hook, the Blackout. However,? in light of previous threads, I’m not clear that? it represents the way you intend the story to unfold in your script.
Thanks ckharper.
Hmm…
Perhaps:
In 1977, a reformed ex-con reluctantly returns to NYC?s violent underworld to make fast money for his mother?s cancer treatment.
or
During the week of the N.Y. Blackout of ?77, a reformed ex-con returns to his old life of drug dealing to pay for his mother?s cancer treatment.
I’m trying to get lean now. The latter has got the hook and the inciting incident.
Original logline: In 1977, a reformed ex-con must return to New York City?s violent underworld in order to save his childhood best friend from a dangerous gangster.
Do you think I should go back to this one?
Seems the answer is to, with the pilot, offer an outline of the larger story as a limited series, aka one season. The problems arise when this is framed as a full series, like five seasons. Limited, focusing on The Blackout is at least part of the hook. An ex-con needing money at that time also sounds better as a limited series. It’s a writing sample and, despite how well it may be written, a good story overall increases the odds of some kind of positive development.
As for the logline, the second half has remained the same all this time despite many people commenting on it. It’s vague and largely meaningless. Next attempt, add specifics. Is he working for himself? Is he working for the Mafia or another syndicate?? Who is the antag, another gang/syndicate?
If you go the route of a limited series, then does that mean he’s still out to sell drugs or does he have bigger plans, like one or two big deals or scores? The Blackout is a major event so it demands major thrills.
The logline has a relateable objective with his sick mother. But then there’s continued talk of saving his friend. Make sure they’re not the same kind of series-motive because only one is needed and a second hurts the story. How does the friend fit in the series, is he there the whole season or just a few episodes?
The Blackout will be done in flash-forwards. The main narrative will take place in the five days before and build up to it. Example of a show that did flash-forwards — ?Lost?.
The Blackout is both. Complication – he needs to protect his childhood best friend (the one he is unable to let go of). Perhaps more than that, suddenly NYC becomes a battleground and all the colourful characters we?ve in the buildup all show their true colours (some duplicitous, some loyal, some betray him, etc). Opportunity – what you said.?
?A series must hook an audience in the pilot.? ?What’s the hook in the pilot episode?? The? hook for the entire series of “Breaking Bad” is planted in the pilot.
Okay, you open with the Great Black Out as a teaser and flash back in time.? So the implied dramatic question? by the end of the pilot is:? how did the protagonist come to this situation?? Where as in? “Breaking Bad” the implied dramatic question by the end of the pilot is:? What happens next?
Also the protagonist doesn’t create the Great Black Out.? It’s an accident. Dramatically, a deus ex machina.? The protagonist does? nothing to make it happen. Where as in Breaking Bad every major plot point in every episode is of Walter White’s making,? is a logical consequence flowing from (not up to) his fatal decision. Which is the story hook.
What is more psychologically appealing? to viewers (i.e. a stronger hook)? ?Wanting to know what happened in the past?? Or wanting to know? what’s going to happen in the future?? I tip toward the latter.
Can you point to a series which has successfully pulled off the same dramatic technique you propose?? Flashbacks are tricky,? and I assume you are well aware that producers are wary of them, particularly in spec scripts by unproven writers.?
Particularly when the series compels? an audience to wait… and wait… and wait… while the story sets up the dramatic import of the story hook.? Have you really got enough bait on the hook in the first episodes to? keep viewers tuning in episode after episode?
And is? the Great Black Out? a genuine complication for the protagonist — or an opportunity. (My initial guess is the latter.? Why wouldn’t the chaos be the prime time for a criminal to do whatever he wants to do? So what dramatic suspense does the Great Black Out create?)
My 2.5 cents worth.
“When his mother is diagnosed with cancer, a former gangster returns to his life of crime, and a new, more ruthless criminal underground, in order to pay for her expensive treatment.”