Set amidst the transformation of Times Square from New York?s seediest neighborhood to the commercialized Disneyland it is today, when a secret from his past is unearthed, a young man?s loyalties are divided between his neighborhood boss who raised him and the grizzled ex-cop who swore to protect him.

dpg makes several valid points here. My own analysis may echo some of them. Well, mine is:

Firstly, far too many words have been spent describing the setting – both in time and place. Yet all this would-be information is far less interesting than the triad of characters who are given descriptions that are a little too brief.

Unless the writer is trying to secure funding from the New York film office, the relationship between these three characters is what really matters to this story. The setting is a definite second or third in importance.

The logline does not make it crystal clear why the “neighbourhood boss” and the ex-cop are necessarilty in conflict. Yes, there is the vague suggestion that they may be opposed simply because they operate – or had operated – on opposite sides of the law. But, given that the cop has left the force and the boss may perhaps be no longer active, this is not, by itself, a compelling division. Particularly when both older men seem to be genuinely (and equally) concerned about the youthful lad. (Which raises the question of why aren’t they reluctant allies instead.)

At a minimum, the two father-figures need to be sharply contrasted if they are supposed to be serious rivals. For example, “a wily, Fagin-esque, mastermind” versus “an old school ‘by the book’ proud veteran”.

If, perchance, these two men are meant to be read/understood as reluctant rivals, then the logline should instead describe what compelling common enemy they are uniting against. For example, a ruthless Slovenian mob. Or even a stunning yet calculating temptress.

The young man’s unearthed secret is not, in itself, that interesting. At least not at logline level. So I do not advise the logline saying any more about it. (Mind you, the secret could well be full of consequences at script level. For example, if the young guy suddenly discovers he is a father.)

In summary, what is really missing in this logline is a clear basis for compelling conflict. Whether that conflict is between the two older men or between the both of them and a third (fourth) party.

Steven Fernandez (Judge).