Penpusher
Posted: 2017-07-14T13:47:34+10:00 In:

Set in a near future where teacher’s carry firearms, a divorced high school educator shoots her least favorite student when he breaks her young daughter’s heart. (Negligent Discharge)

Set in a near future where teacher’s carry firearms, a divorced high school educator shoots her least favorite student when he breaks her young daughter’s heart. (Negligent Discharge)
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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Is the teacher the lead character?

      Also; does the story begin with the shooting, and the story is about what happens after, or does the shooting happen at the end of the story?

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    2. Uberwriter

      Rogerk,

      The emotional tension from the gun issue is worth exploring. You are using the incident to set your story in motion but it sounds as though you are then switching to the relationship between adult and child. How does the hot gun issue come into play after that? Or does it?

      Also,

      It’s confusing who the “her” is, and later it switches to “him.” What sex is the teacher? As Richiev asks, what must the MC accomplish then? A campaign to stop gun violence? A mission to take away everyone’s guns?

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    3. Uberwriter

      This logline attempt only describes background and ends with the inciting incident. A logline should describe the plot, the present, the conflict of the story, and find a way to include any necessary background information without making it too long. For general information on making a logline, study the Formula tab at the top of the page. Also, try reviewing other people’s loglines and reading the feedback other reviewers give on the loglines on the site.?
      An inciting incident should be something outside of the protagonist’s control, something which upsets their life and forces them to pursue a goal. But your protagonist’s conflict stems from a decision she makes on her own. Why? What happens before that? As Richiev asks, when in the story does the shooting happen? What is the conflict of the story? This concept has potential to discuss a politically charged subject, but the logline needs to focus on the main plot of the story.
      I hope this helps.

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    4. Singularity

      What is the story really about? ?Why a teacher shoots a student? ?Or the consequences that follow?

      And what does “Negligent Discharge” mean? ?That she (or it is he? –that also needs clarification) brandished the weapon intending only to intimidate — but it was loaded and accidentally went off? ? And did the shooting kill or only wound the student?

      Whatever the legal charge, I would imagine that most people — even those who support gun rights — would find the teacher’s deed morally reprehensible, a turn off. a reason not to see the movie. ?So who is ?the, uh, ?target audience? ?Who will want to see this movie?

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    5. Singularity

      Agreed with much of the above.

      Maybe you can change it so the guy lives and it’s actually his story of getting the girl?

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