Logliner
Posted: 2016-10-23T15:17:51+10:00 In:

She has a bright future, but when her boyfriend gets caught up in an experiment with murderous implications, she must find him, survive his brainwashed mind, and do whatever it takes to bring him home.

She has a bright future, but when her boyfriend gets caught up in an experiment with murderous implications, she must find him, survive his brainwashed mind, and do whatever it takes to bring him home.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      Thank you for your comments. Here is my new version:

      When her boyfriend is forced to participate in an experiment that trains him to kill, a perfect student must abandon school to find him and save him before he kills her, himself, or them both.

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    2. Singularity

      Agreed with Richiev.

      Think of a logline as a way to describe the major events of your story, this means it needs clarity and specific detail otherwise it could be describing any number of stories.

      Check out the ‘Training’ tab on the top bar of this website for more information about loglines.

      In the mean time identify the exact event that motivates her to take action – the inciting incident. Perhaps also reconsider her goal, instead of bringing him back home, why? not save his life? Life and death is far more compelling than living arrangments.

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    3. Singularity

      She has a bright future… as a what? ?A lawyer? A doctor? A dental hygienist?

      But when her boyfriend gets caught up in an experiment with murderous implications… I don’t know what this means. I know what murder means, but what does murderous implications mean. What is a murderous implication? Does her boyfriend implicate someone for murder?

      She must survive his brain washed mind… does this mean she enters his mind in some sci-fi technique? Is she trapped in his mind?

      and do whatever it takes to bring him home… where did he go? England? Russia? Middle Earth? If her boyfriend went somewhere. You should name the place she needs to bring him back from. If this is figurative then you should drop this line.

      I honestly do not know what this story is about from reading this logline. I believe some specifics will help clarify your storyline.

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