Logliner
Posted: 2019-03-22T12:50:25+10:00 In:

Single father and cat burglar Greg Valdez steals an ancient artifact and must outwit a 700-year-old madman to save the life of his son.

Single father and cat burglar Greg Valdez steals an ancient artifact and must outwit a 700-year-old madman to save the life of his son.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Yep, don’t leave readers guessing, having to read twice, three times to figure out what the story is.? A logline has? one? window of opportunity, 10-12 seconds, to pitch the plot, set the story hook.? There are no second chances.? A reader must immediately grasp what the story is about ,? immediately get hooked.

      An additional challenge in this logline is that the protagonist is a thief.? We may sympathize with his son for being an innocent victim.? But it will be hard to sympathize with the protagonist; the dramatic predicament is his fault.? His action has caused the fecal fury? that is inflicted upon his son.?

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    2. Uberwriter

      Usage of the word “ancient artifact” with “700-year-old madman” makes me want to guess “stealing the artifact” will lead to “the son needs saving”. As Richiev pointed out, it requires guesswork. My issue is: Since he stole it, why is the madman targeting his son?

      It also needs clarity with what’s stopping the father from killing this-very old-madman?, for us to map the urgency of his situation; to better imagine his Goal.

      PS. Drop “Greg Valdez”, unless it’s historically relevant, or an IP.

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    3. Singularity

      When does the son need saving? Before or after the father steals the artifact.

      In other words, does the father steal the artifact as part of a plan to save the son?
      Or does stealing the artifact set in motion a series of events that leads to the son needing to be saved? This isn’t clear from the logline.

      Also, The first line needs re-written. When I first read the line, I thought you were talking about two different people, not one. In other words, it reads like: Single father (Character number one) and cat burglar Greg Valdez (Character number two)? steal an ancient artifact…
      However, with a few simple word changes, it is a simple fix.

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