Penpusher
Posted: 2016-10-07T23:39:32+10:00 In:

“When her drink is spiked at a party a virgin finds herself pregnant and a seminary student is the father. Together they must go through hell to find a piece of heaven.”

“When her drink is spiked at a party a virgin finds herself pregnant and a seminary student is the father. Together they must go through hell to find a piece of heaven.”
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    4 Reviews

    1. Logliner

      This logline suggest a one plot beat.? What about the plot leading to an end? Using dpg’s elements, revise your current logline and post again.

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    2. Singularity

      Agreed with the above.

      Also, there seems to be a lack of high stakes. What is at stake and for whom?
      If she wants to keep the baby, no problem. If she doesn’t want to keep the baby, she can have an abortion. Sure it isn’t pleasant, but the ramifications aren’t great – these things happen.

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    3. Singularity

      The logline should be written from the perspective of the lead character: Example “When she becomes pregnant” Or “When her drink is spiked at a party”

      The goal of the character should be stated in the logline. It should be directly related to the inciting incident.

      Adding those two things to this logline will improve it.

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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    4. Singularity

      FWIW, here is what I come up with when I run this logline through my personal template of key questions.
      Questions in bold are required elements in a standard logline. Gotta have them, no exceptions.
      Questions in italic are important elements to consider.
      Questions in plaint text are not required elements but I find useful in evaluating a logline.

      Question:Answer:
      What is the hook???A virgin discover she’s pregnant
      Who is the protagonist?The virgin
      What is her character flaw?Nothing explicit (Although it seems she foolishly succumbed to temptation/peer pressure at a college party.)
      What is the inciting incident (II)?She discovers she’s pregnant
      What is her objective goal (OG)?None stated
      Who is the antagonist?None stated.? The seminary person may be “a person of interest” but it’s not clear that he’s an antagonist.
      What are the stakes?N/A (Because there’s no objective goal)
      Is there a ticking clock?None stated.
      What is her character strength or defining characteristic?Nothing specifically (although could have have strong religious convictions about sexual abstinence until marriage which would intensify the subjective conflict of discovering herself pregnant)
      Is there a clear causal link between the inciting incident (II) and the objective goal (OG)?N/A (Because there’s no objective goal)
      Is the OG forced or voluntary?N/A (Because there’s no objective goal)
      What is the subjective need?Several possibilities but nothing suggestive for want of a character flaw and objective goal.
      Is there a unifying theme?When reading a logline, I like to get a sense of one.? But there is none that I can detect.
      My take away:____________________________________________________________________________
      ?I think the hook is a good one, has lots of dramatic potential.

      But this logline only sets up a situation for a plot. It? doesn’t follow through to completion with a concise statement of a plot. ?Specifically, it lacks a statement of a specific objective goal, the stakes entailed and an antagonist and/or obstacle that threatens to defeat the protagonist in her pursuit of her objective goal. These are must-have elements.

      Until the missing elements are supplied, no one in the industry has enough information to evaluate the dramatic potential.? There’s not enough bait on the hook to induce them to want to read the script, see if it would make a good movie.

      To reiterate, the hook is a good one.? Now bait the hook.

      Hope this helps.? Best wishes.

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