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Suicidal and desperate for death, a young man travels to a house to remove the one element in his life that keeps him going so he can have his death wish fulfilled, his brother.
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Better and more credibly motivated.
Better and more credibly motivated.
When his brother decide to cut him off to concentrate on his own family, a bipolar and suicidal artist is pushed over the edge and decide to finish his final masterpiece: the gory murder of his beloved brother.
When his brother decide to cut him off to concentrate on his own family, a bipolar and suicidal artist is pushed over the edge and decide to finish his final masterpiece: the gory murder of his beloved brother.
>>.The contract?.
Agree.
>>.The contract?.
Agree.
I am a little new to advise on log-lines. This one was a little confusing prior to reading your response to -dpg- as to the actual goal of the story. I also think that saying he’s Suicidal and desperate for death is pretty much repeating yourself. In order for me to grasp this type of story even as a short story would be extremely hard.
Maybe, go back a find out why the he’s happy only when the brother is around. Does the brother go out of his way to make him happy, if so, why. Maybe something happened in their past thats he make amends for that can one can not get past and the only way is for both of them to die.
This may help to work out the story as well as revising the log-line. Hopefully that helps
I am a little new to advise on log-lines. This one was a little confusing prior to reading your response to -dpg- as to the actual goal of the story. I also think that saying he’s Suicidal and desperate for death is pretty much repeating yourself. In order for me to grasp this type of story even as a short story would be extremely hard.
Maybe, go back a find out why the he’s happy only when the brother is around. Does the brother go out of his way to make him happy, if so, why. Maybe something happened in their past thats he make amends for that can one can not get past and the only way is for both of them to die.
This may help to work out the story as well as revising the log-line. Hopefully that helps
Personally I find the proposed story confusing and needing far too much explanation to fit in a short film.
Also, I agree with the sentiment of DPG’s post but think the direct relation to a writer needs some clarification.
The writer of a drama film strikes a contract with the audience of the film when an audience agrees to sit and watch it.
The contract goes something like;
I agree to engage you in a story about an interesting character, if you agree to suspend your disbelief and accept what the character does within reason.
The part that your logline has a problem with most is; “…within reason.”. This is because the logline is already asking for too much from the reader to accept. This is not a technicality that can be dealt with by a bit of explanation or details given through exposition. This is a major leap of logic, in fact far beyond reason, that the audience will need to make in order to suspend their disbelief.
Justifying this would leave you with an anti hero possessing major flaws and psychological problems, closest I can think of a produced film similar to your logline is Sling Blade. But that was a feature film and Billy Bob Thornton had been working full time for 10 years prior to that acting and writing. Especially considering first time writer and a short film best to tackle a more conventional MC and premise and perhaps leave this idea for after you work on a few films.
Hope this helps.
Personally I find the proposed story confusing and needing far too much explanation to fit in a short film.
Also, I agree with the sentiment of DPG’s post but think the direct relation to a writer needs some clarification.
The writer of a drama film strikes a contract with the audience of the film when an audience agrees to sit and watch it.
The contract goes something like;
I agree to engage you in a story about an interesting character, if you agree to suspend your disbelief and accept what the character does within reason.
The part that your logline has a problem with most is; “…within reason.”. This is because the logline is already asking for too much from the reader to accept. This is not a technicality that can be dealt with by a bit of explanation or details given through exposition. This is a major leap of logic, in fact far beyond reason, that the audience will need to make in order to suspend their disbelief.
Justifying this would leave you with an anti hero possessing major flaws and psychological problems, closest I can think of a produced film similar to your logline is Sling Blade. But that was a feature film and Billy Bob Thornton had been working full time for 10 years prior to that acting and writing. Especially considering first time writer and a short film best to tackle a more conventional MC and premise and perhaps leave this idea for after you work on a few films.
Hope this helps.
Hmm. I have done more than a few suicide interventions, spent h-o-u-r-s listening to people pour out their hearts about depression, personal problems, why they can’t go on living and their m.o.’s for terminating their existence.
Frankly, the only way the character in this logline would come close to ringing true to my experience would be if he’s playing with a few cards short of a full deck and way too many jokers — if he’s a mentally ill, pathologically delusional. IOW: a nut case.
And if that’s the way you see the character, good luck. Needless to say, it’s a timely topic in light of the suicide of Robin WIlliams. Out of respect for Robin Williams and the two thousand people who commit suicide every day, please honor the soulful pathos of depression and suicide, be emotionally true to the suffering.
Viewers may suspend disbelief for a story that strays from the facts. They will never suspend disbelief for a story that does not resonate with the emotional truth of what it means to be human.
fwiw.
Hmm. I have done more than a few suicide interventions, spent h-o-u-r-s listening to people pour out their hearts about depression, personal problems, why they can’t go on living and their m.o.’s for terminating their existence.
Frankly, the only way the character in this logline would come close to ringing true to my experience would be if he’s playing with a few cards short of a full deck and way too many jokers — if he’s a mentally ill, pathologically delusional. IOW: a nut case.
And if that’s the way you see the character, good luck. Needless to say, it’s a timely topic in light of the suicide of Robin WIlliams. Out of respect for Robin Williams and the two thousand people who commit suicide every day, please honor the soulful pathos of depression and suicide, be emotionally true to the suffering.
Viewers may suspend disbelief for a story that strays from the facts. They will never suspend disbelief for a story that does not resonate with the emotional truth of what it means to be human.
fwiw.
The brother make his life worth living because of the happiness he feels when they are together however the majority of the time he is severely depressed as well as alone. Killing his brother he will end the conflict in his own mind of staying alive and can finally have peace. This is a short film by the way. Any help is much appreciated as this is my first time writing.
The brother make his life worth living because of the happiness he feels when they are together however the majority of the time he is severely depressed as well as alone. Killing his brother he will end the conflict in his own mind of staying alive and can finally have peace. This is a short film by the way. Any help is much appreciated as this is my first time writing.
So his goal is to kill his brother so he can kill himself? Why/how is his brother standing in the way of his self-destructive impulses?
So his goal is to kill his brother so he can kill himself? Why/how is his brother standing in the way of his self-destructive impulses?