Der Beschu?tzer (the protector)
The Collection is military faction that enslaves those not born into their ranks and exterminates those who?ve tried to escape. While serving the resistance Claudia returns to her hometown to find her brother Deitrich, orphaned and alone. She deserts the command to take him to a rumored safe heaven, but now she must avoid capture from both the collection and the resistance force.
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And you could weave in the concept that ‘the born into’ lineage is maternal only so that it is a half brother she is saving.
Your edit made me think of something. What if she is apart of the Collection and finds her brother marked for extermination and defects from the collection?
I agree that I should shorten it, and I like the idea of leaving out so much info on the collection because I want it to be revealed. I’m curious as to how engaging the story seems at this point. I would appreciate any feedback
The first one was B.C. (before coffee) Here’s another crack:
A Resistance fighter saves her brother from The Collection. He was marked for extermination. Now, she is branded ‘Deserter’. Safe Haven offers asylum, if they can find it… in time.
Of course a cool twist would be if finding it ‘in iime’ meant they had to find a time portal.
sorry, claudia, but i had to cut you.
Okay, in at 30 words this rewrite:
When her brother is marked for extermination by The Collection a Resistance fighter is branded deserter when she seeks Safe Haven to save him from conscription and herself from execution.
And for funsies, a new title:
Marked and Branded – The Marc and Brandi Story
I agree with Lucius here. The first line needs to be shortened and within the log line. Maybe not even explain what they do and call them a ‘mysterious force’ or something as they will need a lot of words to explain and at the moment the log line is far too long. The idea definitely has scope but think you need to find a way to condense what you have written and make sure Claudia is mentioned, problems at her home, and on the run from two heavy hitters. They’re the key elements and tell the story. Then I’d try to sew in some of the original aspects. It’s a lot in 25-30 words but I’m sure you can smash it.
Also, do you intend on promoting this only in Germany? If not, I’d just stick with the English title.
First, find a way to incorporate that entire first sentence into your logline and then remove it.
The logline would begin at “While serving…” and be a shortened form of those two sentences, because as it is, it’s very wordy. I’d also lose everything after “…avoid capture” because if it’s one or the other, it negates the need to mention the two differing groups.