A down and out Hollywood stuntman starts a moving business only to get pursued by the mob and the military.
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It’s an interesting set of concepts. But they don’t seem to be linked. How do they end up in the same story? Stuntman and moving business aren’t ironic, and seem to have no relation to the mob or the military.
And most of all, why are they all after him? What is the event that sets this in motion?
Sounds too much like one of those loglines created by a random generator.
I think it’s important to know why he’s being pursued.
Hmmm good point have to re-tool.
ok good point
Interesting. But I think you could make it stronger if you think about the story in terms of cause and effect. What about the moving business attracts the attention of the Mob? Or the down and out Stuntman? What’s at stake? Why would we want to root for the Stuntman to stay away from the mob? Hope this helps.
I think this story has great potential.