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Alan SmitheePenpusher
Posted: April 13, 20122012-04-13T12:41:37+10:00 2012-04-13T12:41:37+10:00In: Public

The Mover

A down and out Hollywood stuntman starts a moving business only to get pursued by the mob and the military.

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    5 Reviews

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    1. Paul Clarke Samurai
      2012-04-13T13:16:53+10:00Added an answer on April 13, 2012 at 1:16 pm

      It’s an interesting set of concepts. But they don’t seem to be linked. How do they end up in the same story? Stuntman and moving business aren’t ironic, and seem to have no relation to the mob or the military.

      And most of all, why are they all after him? What is the event that sets this in motion?

      Sounds too much like one of those loglines created by a random generator.

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    2. sharkeatingman
      2012-04-13T14:45:48+10:00Added an answer on April 13, 2012 at 2:45 pm

      I think it’s important to know why he’s being pursued.

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    3. [Deleted User]
      2012-04-13T22:15:31+10:00Added an answer on April 13, 2012 at 10:15 pm

      Hmmm good point have to re-tool.

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    4. [Deleted User]
      2012-04-13T22:15:57+10:00Added an answer on April 13, 2012 at 10:15 pm

      ok good point

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    5. 2012-04-15T06:30:50+10:00Added an answer on April 15, 2012 at 6:30 am

      Interesting. But I think you could make it stronger if you think about the story in terms of cause and effect. What about the moving business attracts the attention of the Mob? Or the down and out Stuntman? What’s at stake? Why would we want to root for the Stuntman to stay away from the mob? Hope this helps.

      I think this story has great potential.

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