Bad Angel.
jamesmichaelPenpusher
The transformation of Angelo d?Angelo, a New York hit man who is unwittingly embraced into the bosom of a simple, rural Australian community. For the first time, Angelo learns that love and family are just as effective as any weapon he?s ever known
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I like the concept, and can see lots of possibilities for this.
I think it’s a little too busy and could be cut down considerably. I’d suggest reducing it to something like: ‘A New York hit man unwittingly enbraced into a rural Australian community discovers love and family are the most effective weapons.’
Even then, I’m a little confused as to the genre – could be comedy, drama, or an action-packed thriller – it’s simply not clear enough. If you could find a way to work that in with perhaps a well-chosen description in the right place, I think it would work really well. The words ‘unwittingly’ and ‘simple’ could suggest comedy, but they also have other connotations.
Cheers
C
Resembles more of a paragraph from a query letter than an actual logline. It can be shortened considerable:
“A New York hit man is unwittingly embraced by a simple Australian community and discovers that love and family are as effective as any weapon he’s ever known.”
From 43 down to 28 words, while keeping the heart of the story. His name would make for an excellent title, I think. Very catchy. It sounds like an interesting, fish-out-of-water concept. The original, and pared down logline lacks a few elements- goal, obstacles, antag- but the hook is clear (although “hit man-gone-good” stories have been done before).
I kind of like it!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman) – judge
Like it.
Your have a strong main character with a cool name, and you emphasize an intriguing inner journey.
But what’s the outer journey? What is your main character’s achievable goal, and what stops him from getting it? Focus on this, because it’s what readers care about: a good story!
Also, describing love and family as an effective weapon could be misinterpreted as, “he starts blackmailing bushies, by threatening their loved ones/family.”
And don’t use “bosom”. It adds nothing to the story, and makes every male under the age of thirty snigger while reading it. 🙂
– Patrockable, Judge
“The transformation of” is a waste of space as most films are about the transformation of the main character. This is hardly ever what you would sell the movie on, though. DIE HARD is the transformation of a New York cop. But does anyone care?
For a logline to be effective, we need to know what to expect in the OUTER JOURNEY, telling the visible action.
I liked it in general though when I read ‘learns that…’ I realised it was stating the inner journey. The setting is visual (though ‘rural’ is quite vague, is it a farming community/mining community? And I’m not sure what ‘simple’ means in this context) and the character/situation caught my interest.
There is a main character, an interesting story concept but it stops at the character and inciting incident. I can see it would be a fish out of water story but what are the conflicts he is struggling against? What is the outer journey and the outer goal? Who is the antagonist? Throw as much as you can at the hero to stop him getting what he wants.
I can see that there may be possibilities of conflict but you should put them in. Who is he using the weapon against? That’s what sells movies, the outer goal.
Dave Trendall – Judge