Logliner
Posted: 2017-06-27T13:44:51+10:00 In:

Three genetically engineered soldiers must face discrimination as they struggle to find the kidnapped members of their squad.

Three genetically engineered soldiers must face discrimination as they struggle to find the kidnapped members of their squad.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      The obstacle of a story or logline should match the goal.

      If the object of the soldiers was to “gain equality,” then facing discrimination would be a great obstacle.

      But I don’t see how it relates to finding their kidnapped members.
      —–
      “When several squad members are kidnapped, a genetically engineered soldier, must infiltrate a highly guarded, ?genetic-purity compound to save the captured members.”
      —–

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    2. Uberwriter

      What is the discrimination? Who is doing it is the story. Completely different if the Army is doing vs the general community or media. Having a faceless enemy makes it hard for the reader to understand and assess your story.

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    3. Singularity

      The hook of the logline is that the soldiers are genetically engineered. ?The headline for the story is not that they face discrimination (that’s a complication, a sidebar issue) but the struggle to find their kidnapped DNA-tweaked comrades.

      So build the logline on the hook and on the headline. ?Save the sidebar issue for the script proper.

      Whose is the antagonist, the bad guy (or gal) responsible for the kidnapping? ?What are the stakes? ?What is lost or suffered if they fail? ?Is there a ticking clock?

      Finally the logline might benefit by focusing on the leader of the trio, the alpha character; frame the logline in terms of the protagonist.

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    4. Singularity

      Agreed with all the above comments.

      I’ll add that you’d be better served if the logline would start with a clear description of the inciting incident as the base for the dramatic need. For example:
      After a member of their squadron was kidnapped, three genetically engineered soldiers must find their missing brother if they are to save his life.

      It still isn’t clear what their actions are going to be, must they find the fourth soldier behind enemy lines? Or in secret government labs?

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