Penpusher
Posted: 2015-09-30T11:46:47+10:00 In:

Three non-criminals out of pocket and out of luck hold up a convenient store to earn some much needed money.

Three non-criminals out of pocket and out of luck hold up a convenient store to earn some much needed money.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      I think its convenience without the T. I think you could heighten the stakes here. I like the use of ‘out of pocket’ and ‘out of luck’.
      Happy writing.
      M

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    2. Mentor

      Hello,

      maybe you can include some kind of opponent and a better characterization for the 3 ‘non-ciminals’. What happens? some details? The rob the store, so what? In this kind of movie you can’t count only on funny dialogues.

      I?suggest you to take a step back and try to fit a standar logline format, just to check if you have everything you need to fuel a whole movie :
      When [a major event happens: the inciting event that put the story in motion], [the Hero] must [do the main action], to win [his goal].

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    3. Logliner

      The above review is true – there are no stakes here. ?Out of money, aren’t we all? ?What makes them different? ?Also, I would avoid “non-criminals”. ?(Maybe upstanding citizens?) ?When I read it, my eyes only saw criminal, so I thought it’s just three criminals holding up a convenience store. ?It sounds a little like The Full Monty, a movie that I love. ?And the friends all had different reasons for doing what they did. ?If we know their motivation, we can forgive their bad deed. ?More irony and a little more insight into why they need this money would go a long way. ?Keep us posted?

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