Twinkle Little Star
Thwarted at every attempt to win over the girl of his dreams, an awkward boy (8) has to overcome his deepest fear to draw her into a magical world.
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Thanks dpg. I did watch ‘Moonrise Kingdom’ and absolutely loved it! But the feelings between those two main characters go so much further than where my script has gone. Sex isn’t remotely on his brain. The boy in my script doesn’t think further than: I don’t know why i like her, but i like being with her! He is a very different boy. Even so, since these posts, I have been more aware of what happens between sexes at that age. it stems from the same vein as girl hating boys and boys hating girls- especially the ones they really like! My lead character is just different enough not to swim with the stream. Thanks so much for your input. Good or bad, I need feedback from potential audience members out there, so thanks for being honest! 😉
Thanks JBalmer, your logline was actually the one that did help me the most. It’s simple and to the point. cheers
Carmen:
>>that men (not all!) don?t really remember feeling anything at that age…
Even though puberty kicks in so much earlier now, I think it is still the case that for most 8-year old boys girls are not their top priorities. It’s a little too early for those kind of feelings you story seeks to portray to kick in. (I speak as a member of the guy species in that regard.)
With regard to issue of unoriginality — mea culpa, my initial response — you are correct that falling in love is a universal experience. And the trick is coming up with a novel twist, a new perspective. Based upon your clarification, I would say you seem to have a different slant. But as I said, I not sure how credible it is, given the facts of biological maturation.
Can the kid (and the girl) be a few years older, both on the cusp of puberty?
Or why not reverse roles? Could the girl notice the boy that way and part of the complication is he’s too busy climbing trees, skate boarding, playing video games — doing young guy things — to notice or understand?
That said: rules were made to be broken. So if you can draw out of the experience of your own son a story that is fresh and unique and true to our emotional lives — more power to you.
BTW: I like the complication of the kid having to get past the gatekeepers of her older brothers. Oh man, oh boy, does that ring true to experience!
Thanks Tony, you guys helped me a lot! Love the Cicada incident. I feel for you 😉 ‘win’ was definitely too harsh was not expressive enough. Thanks- fingers crossed!
wow — this actually sounds quite cool knowing the above (as well as your post further down the track…)…
Wanting to simply ‘be in her company’ is a far cry from wanting to ‘win’ her — definitely something to keep out of the logline. Also given the fact this is a short with no dialogue changes things a bit too. Sounds like a potentially beautiful little film. I love the image of him dressing in suit, like a man child — this is not cliched (IMO anyway) and seems to work really well with the theme. A visual tale of the curious budding of first love… a boy beyond his years trying to get to the bottom of these new feelings…(with the fact that he’s fatherless being a nice little cherry on top…)
…and this might sound a tad contradictory to my other post… but I can remember my first couple of crushes very vividly — my first was in pre-school — I was too shy to even speak to her but my mum knew about the crush… so she went and organised a freakin play-date with the girl via the girls mum. My mum didn’t tell me either until the girl rocked up at my house — scarred me for life! I can remember standing awkwardly with her in my backyard all “So… you like… stuff??” Later that week, at pre-school, I dealt with tmy feelings by presenting her with a gift in my small clenched hand… a live cicada! She screamed, ran away, and NEVER spoke to me again.
So yes — eight year old boys (and girls) can certainly have crushes, maybe even ‘girlfriends/ boyfriends’, but they’re not the same thing as pre-teen/ teen/ adult girlfriends/ boyfriends — and ‘winning’ implies a conquest which doesn’t suit an eight year old (and leads to thoughts of sexism etc…)
Again — the main issues to me with the original logline was the term ‘win’, which to me implied he was seeking a romantic relationship with this girl — when in fact this does not sound like the case — he is enamored by her… also ‘magical world’ which was vague… Your revised logline is much better.
Best of luck with the film and the competition!
Hi guys, thanks, I really appreciate all the feedback. I’ve played around with it a bit:
Timothy (8), a serious boy, confused by his feelings for Annie (9) braves her scary brothers and his fear of heights to make her really notice him.
I just wanted to say that I have approached many people (men and woman) and it seems that men (not all!) don’t really remember feeling anything at that age. Yet the woman I have spoken to, including myself, remember incidents as far back as then. I myself had a ‘boyfriend’ when I was 7. (before I got shipped off to an all girls school!) The feelings don’t just suddenly appear when you’re 10/12. My own son, who is 8 now, remembers meeting a girl at the age of 6. (which is the incident that sparked the idea for my film). I could see his desperation at wanting to spend time with her and being absolutely drawn to her. I wouldn’t say it’s love, definitely not, but the feelings have to start somewhere. He just recently saw a picture of this girl and remembers what he felt for her. Maybe it’s a certain type of boy-more introspective? He still loved his trucks and trains etc…
In the story he doesn’t know why he wants to be with her, but he just loves watching her and being in her presence. (She being vibrant and more naive than him, funnily enough) In fact she doesn’t realise until the very last line of the script that she sees him the same way he sees her. This is meant to be a beautiful film about a boy coming to terms with feelings he hasn’t had before. I must add that there is NO DIALOGUE, because I felt this was not something he would be able to express in words (and for the comp the script can only be 7 pages long)
With regards to the story being unoriginal. Does it mean because we have had love stories in the past that the romantic-hearted out there will not want to look for more? There will always be an audience for boy meets girI, boy gets girl. I know we have to keep it fresh and a little different. But as , of course, you haven’t seen the script, it’s difficult for you to see. But I feel it is different to have a boy so young battling with the same feelings as those so much older than that are more equipped to deal with it? I think it also depends on how the Director (myself) realises and depicts the film. eg Slight hint of comedy/ styles of shooting and POV
It has been really interesting watching the feedback.
Hi dpg — yes, you’re right on the ‘Moonlight Kingdom’ front — it’s a great love story because of the mutual love the lovers have for each other, which is strengthened through the adversity against their relationship from the adults….
‘Thwarted at every attempt to win over the boy of her dreams, an awkward girl (8) has to overcome her deepest fear to draw him into a magical world’
… still sexist?…
To me it’s not implicitly sexist — it’s just, I don’t know, wrong, given the age of the protag — again, just my opinion.
I do see your point though — and personally I feel it’s cause is in the use/ implication of ‘win’..?
Maybe this revision:
‘A terminally shy young boy with a unique magical view of the world must overcome his shyness when he meets a girl who seems to share his unique vision’
Just my stab — without knowing any specifics of the story…which would be great to know.
Good luck with it Carmen.
Good points, as usual, on specific details, Tony.
The reference to “Moonrise Kingdom” is particularly apt. In that movie the attraction is mutual: girl and boy are drawn to each other for what they really are which others don’t appreciate. They accept each other as they are –It’s not a case where the girl made the boy’s casting cut for some private fantasy or dream ideal. Or vice-versa.
So I’m sticking to my guns on the general principle.
Yeah, guys are guys (god, if she exists, forgive and help us!), but the premise is s-o-o over used, ergo, s-o-o-o unoriginal.
Your logline is pretty solid, but here is an alternative: An eight-year-old boy must do everything in his power to overcome his fears and impress the girl of his dreams.
Great feedback, thanks Tony! The boy is not your everyday 8 year old, but wears a suit and tie, no father, and is very serious (now it’s sounding too cliche!) But yes, I think you’re right. Having said that, the boy’s intention is only to be in her company.Like a base desire he doesn’t understand yet. They never progress past just sitting with each other. I wanted to bring out the struggle of a boy, drawn to a girl, but he doesn’t know why and he doesn’t know what to do. I’ll have to watch ‘Moonlight Kingdom’ tonight. Cheers
The logline definitely needs work then! 😉 It’s a film of about a boy that loves a girl so much he creates a magical for her out of the things SHE loves. His world is only magical when he’s looking at her. He tries to meet her in the real world, but unfortunate circumstances make it difficult every time he tries.
Thanks Richiev, will do. I see now it’s to vague. c
Thanks Pastortim. It’s a short film for a competition that has to be 7 mins or less. I’m playing it safe with no dialogue 😉 I just did a weekend course with Karel and it really helped. I rewrote the entire thing!
hmmm — I don’t think I could tag the logline as chauvinist and sexist based upon what is premised as it’s too vague and isn’t believable… to paraphrase Jessica Rabbit “It’s just the way it’s drawn…”
Vagueness = “Thwarted at every attempt” — By whom/ Why?
= “Overcome his deepest fears” — What are his deepest fears and how do they relate to his object of desire?
= “Magical world” — is this metaphorical or literal? Because there is no clue to this in the set-up it seems to come from nowhere and doesn’t seem to relate to the story premised in any way. In fact — his desire reads in the end as wanting to ‘…draw her into his magical world’ — and metaphorical or literal, causes a contradiction in relation to the object of desire — does he want to ‘win’ her (btw, what does ‘win’ actually mean here?… this might be leading dpg’s thoughts on potential chauvinism?) or, does he want to ‘draw her into his magical world’? I don’t think you can get away with proposing both — just IMO.
Believability = An eight year old boy on a mission to win the girl of his dreams — I think eight is too young for a boy to have a mission in pursuing a romantic relationship with a girl, in a film anyway — while some eight year olds might have crushes and the like they aren’t sexually mature yet… and at the risk of generalizing (and possibly sounding sexist) are more interested in pursuits like sport, having fun with their friends, comics/ TV/ video games and the like (or — sending botanical aliens back to their home planet, capturing burglars that break into their house at xmas when left behind by their family, tackling the most powerful and evil Wizard the non-muggle world has ever seen etc etc etc…) . They might just have the buds of curiosity — but they are still hanging onto (if barely) the idea of ‘girl germs’ etc… (and dpg — I’d say GIRLS still hang onto this same idea of BOY germs at eight as well…;) )
— as a point of reference — look at ‘Moonrise Kingdom’ — the ‘young lovers’ in this are 12. IMO this is an amazing movie, yet also your perception of what Wes Anderson gets away with at times is stretched. Why? Because the lovers are so young… at twelve… not eight.
Anyway — good luck and happy writings!
Another instance of a guy drawing a “dream girl” into his “magical world” rather then meeting her as a real person in the real world.
Another male chauvinist, sexist fantasy.
I would add what that deepest fear is. For instance, he must overcome his deepest fear of spiders..,
It would tell us more of what the story is about.
Hope that helped, good luck with this,
The logline is ok, but I discovered that writing kids are not as easy as most of our writer colleagues think. This will make a great movie if properly structured and written. Good luck.