Penpusher
Posted: 2018-01-04T09:00:17+10:00 In:

To counter a growing malevolence, a young woman in 16th century England, must embrace both her growing powers and her destiny to change the course of history.

To counter a growing malevolence, a young woman in 16th century England, must embrace both her growing powers and her destiny to change the course of history.
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    6 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      This leaves too many questions. ?Like what powers? ?Is she a witch? What does she hope to achieve?

      you see what I am saying. ?This is good set up, but not enough detail about the story.

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    2. Samurai

      2 x ‘growing’ doesn’t sound good in a single sentence.

      Craig is right: too many questions.

      Also, the ‘growing malevolence’ is not enough of an inciting incident. The catalyst of a story can never be something gradual. It must be sudden.

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    3. Singularity

      What growing power must she embrace? The power of magic? The power of the mind? The power persuasion?

      Adding just a little specific detail instead of a generality will improve your logline.

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    4. Uberwriter

      Is this a bio, or a based on something premise? If not, I doubt the studios will touch an expensive period piece without attached IP.? Just something to think of before you spend a lot of time and mind sweat on writing.

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    5. Singularity

      Is a new king that bad? What is it about this king that makes his arrival so bad?

      An inciting incident needs to bring about a clear shift in the balance of the MC’s life to motivate her to take action.
      How does this king’s arrival do that?

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    6. Singularity

      >>> chooses to embrace the ancient power of the Wiccan way

      How does that translate into a specific objective goal?

      >>>to change the course of history.

      Specifically, how?? By doing what?

      And as Nir Shelter pointed out, how does the ascension of a new king serve as the inciting incident?? How does that trigger her to… well, do whatever she’s gotta do to fulfill? her destiny, whatever that is?

      Alas, the revised logline still deals in generalities on key elements.? It doesn’t provide all information that a movie maker is looking for in a logline,? The? potentially interesting character still seems in search of a plot worthy of her calling (becoming a Wican).

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