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Alan SmitheePenpusher
Posted: January 2, 20182018-01-02T08:43:58+10:00 2018-01-02T08:43:58+10:00In: Comedy

To motivate himself to get back into shape, a former college athlete proposes to his off & on girlfriend , only to find out she only said yes to impress her to woo her high school sweetheart.

Comedy

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    3 Reviews

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    1. Richiev Singularity
      2018-01-02T10:10:58+10:00Added an answer on January 2, 2018 at 10:10 am

      You have two characters in this logline, the problem is, neither one is likable.
      You can have a character do unattractive things, but there must be a reason to want them to succeed.
      ==
      Here is an attempt to make the lead character more likable.
      —–
      “When he is ridiculed by his class for being fat, a nerdy high school gym teacher; determined to get in shape, asks his on again off again girlfriend to marry him, but when he finds out she is secretly in love with his former high school rival, he vows to lose fifty pounds and prove he is the man.”
      ==
      Unfortunately, my attempt has two inciting incidents. Here is a second attempt that tries to narrow down the logline a bit
      —–
      “When he discovers his fiance is secretly in love with his high school rival, a nerdy science teacher vows to lose fifty pounds and prove that he is the man.”

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    2. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2018-01-02T16:16:46+10:00Added an answer on January 2, 2018 at 4:16 pm

      Agreed with Richiev.

      Either one of them would make a good character, best to pick one and develop the story around him or her. Which of the characters do you feel most represents your writing interests?

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    3. Richiev Singularity
      2018-01-03T09:34:45+10:00Added an answer on January 3, 2018 at 9:34 am

      Possible title: “Can’t Win for Losing”

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