Penpusher
Posted: 2017-09-10T03:24:14+10:00 In:

To overcome her posttraumatic stress disorder, a withdrawn orphaned girl, who suffers from hallucinations, decides to confide in a stranger and move to him being unaware he hides a horrifying secret connected with her past.

To overcome her posttraumatic stress disorder, a withdrawn orphaned girl, who suffers from hallucinations, decides to confide in a stranger and move to him being unaware he hides a horrifying secret connected with her past.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      The character intro is a little long, it reads like a shopping list and doesn’t inform story. ?What does she want to achieve? We need to see that. I think the wording around “move” is confusing. ?Here is an attempt but I don’t know her goal.

      “Hoping to get well a girl suffering to from PTSD and hallucinations moves in with a man, but discovering his past triggers a …..”

      or

      “the police don’t ?believes a girl with PTSD and hallucinations but her carers murderous past forcing her to carry out her own justice”.

      You have a good character but I can’t see a story. ?The motivation, character arc etc are for the script. ?This is the quickest explanation of the story.

      • 0
    2. Singularity

      There is a difference between someone deciding to do something and someone doing something

      In your logline she ‘decides to confide in a stranger’, however it would be better to say, ‘she confides in a stranger’.

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      What motivates her to overcome her PTSD at this point in time? Or, in other words, what is her inciting incident?

      Also, “…a horrifying secret…” is too vague a description for a logline – be specific, what is it about this guy that puts the girl at risk?

      Lastly, as Craig said, what is her goal? Revenge against the guy? To overcome her PTSD? To find a family?

      • 0